Marriage

This Is For Real

I’ve got emotion, dripping out my pores, and I thought I would let you know

This song always takes me back to when I was a freshman in college sitting in the laundry room with some dude who was also doing laundry at 2am. We would meet every week or so in the wee hours of the morning as we were both night owls at the time. We were exchanging emo/alternative music selections, discussing the endless possibilities we had for our futures. We would philosophize. We would laugh. We would banter. Ah, the simpler days.

Some days I wish the days were simpler like before. Some days I wish all I had to do was fend for myself, think for myself, and plan only for myself. But when I think about the person I was then and the person I am now, everything makes sense. I couldn’t have possible become this (though it may not seem it to you) strong, moderately confident and optimistic, sometimes hopeful person I am today if I didn’t go through the trials and experiences I had then. I could not have become this person if I didn’t struggle through my insecurities. If I never went through the self hatred and the depression, I could never had realized the depths of love I was capable of. Without the ridiculously overwhelming self awareness, almost crippling fear of being in public spaces, and conversing with others, I would never have found this new self awareness of not giving a crap.

But some days I do wish I could go and stay in a hole at home. Some days I just really do not care to converse with others whether those “others” be friends or randos. Other days, I crave human interaction so badly that I’m willing to make a day trip out to the mall or Target. This balancing act is stupid hard. I think life just really changes so drastically as a parent. It just gets harder and harder to keep up with life outside of kids. And I know there’s a whole “Make sure you’re taking a little me time” or “Make sure you’re having regular date nights with the hubby without kids so you keep your marriage okay” or whatnot. But.. honestly, I think we’ve been without the kids a total of five times since Dominic has been born. And that was to attend weddings and a few mini trips out for errands. I don’t mind having babies with us when we’re out. Definitely much harder, but I don’t mind it. I spend enough time with the hubby at night before bed. I force him to spend time with us on his precious weekends off. I think I have enough of him for now. I think we’re doing okay. For now. I feel like I’m finally filling into my role as a parent. I think we’ve gotten a little bit of a (very loosely stated) routine down in regards to our schedules. I’m finally in a bit of a better mental state. I think I’m at an age where I’m finally owning up to what I want to do versus what I need to be doing.

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family

Supernatural!

Season 11 is on Netflix!

I was an exhausted, frustrated mother and wife today. Hubby told me he needed to be on early today and I still snapped at him. Baby Dom is getting over a cold. Baby Shane is getting a cold. Both are ridiculously needy and want to be held. I’m just tired of being a climbing gym and constantly watching these babies all day from 8am to 1am. The latter part of this week has been a nightmare in terms of Dom’s sleeping patterns.

I want to be a better mother this year. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better daughter. I am going to keep my official resolutions list relatively quiet since this year I’m surrendering. All my plans are futile. All my planning is futile. The only plan that matters is what He has planned for me. And I rejoice in His way. I feel like I am too much a part of this world. I want to empty myself and be a vessel for joy and love. His joy and love. We’ll see how this goes.

In the meantime, let me watch some Supernatural in the few precious minutes baby Dom is sleeping and shove a mini pizza down my throat while I sip Coke out of a wine glass. Hashtag – #Classy.

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Uncategorized

Hallelujah

Praise the Lord!

Sometimes I forget to take time out of the day and thank God for everything.

So.. here is a public thank you.
Thank you for the roof over my head.
Thank you for the extra money for the Taco Bell we indulged in today.
Thank you for the endless support and love our family doles out for us.
Thank you for our daily breath.
Thank you for the food in our pantry.
Thank you for the clothes on our backs.
Thank you for our Internet and TV.
Thank you for Netflix.
Thank you for the wonderful blessings of the hubby’s job.
Thank you for our friends.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for hope.

We trust you with our lives.
We love you for the guidance and patience you provide to us.
We pray that you continue to watch over us and be patient with us as we struggle with the temptations of the world.

He makes me want to be a better human. He makes me want to be the person He made me to be.

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Marriage

American Housewife

Hubby and I have been attempting to do devotions before bed every night to regroup and recharge our spiritual walk together. It has definitely been difficult, especially on nights when we’re both exhausted from long days. We’re attempting the “Refresh Your Marriage in 31 Days” plan from the Bible app.

Last night’s devotions stuck with me a little bit.
“In the beginning of marriage, a partner can do no wrong. If he comes home too late for dinner, she thinks: “Poor guy, I’m sure he’s stuck in traffic” or “I’m sure he has to work longer. Mean boss!”. When he finally comes home, she falls into his arms longingly, no matter how late it is. But after a few years of marriage, a different wind blows. She gets annoyed because the roast has become cold again or because the children are hungry and are having a sword fight using their forks. “He could have at least called. He is always only thinking of himself!”

The funny thing is the accompanying verse to this devotional was:
Ecclesiastes 9:9
“Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toll.”

I laughed a little when I told my hubby that I was his reward for all his earthly tolls. I don’t think he ever thought his reward would come with such a nagging soul and such severe mood swings. I think I forget sometimes that he works so hard at his job all day and has our best interests at heart. In the chaos of prying babies off each other, feeling useless at home, and being jealous of him for being out all day, I forget that he is the man of the house and that he takes care of us. Though he has difficulty changing poopy diapers and putting the babies to sleep, he does provide. He does worry. I think in moments of frustrations and anger, I just need to remind myself that I expect a lot of others, especially those who are close to me, and that I need to remember that I am strong and can get through things by myself, too. I feel like sometimes I rely or expect the help from others too much and I contribute a little more to the feeling of being helpless and useless in doing so. I just need to remember that I am strong and if my hubby can go out and work hard for us every day, I can work hard and tend to the house and babies every day as well. I feel like I’m definitely setting myself up to be a housewife from the twenties, but I think it’s just the place I am in my life right now. I just need to accept being home and taking care of babies for a while. Maybe this is what God has planned for me right now. Maybe this is the path I need to be on for a little while before I am able to focus on myself and further my plans. Maybe He’s reminding me that His plans supersede whatever plans I have for myself, and this is my path of getting back on track to His plan for me. Either way, I am praying for patience and guidance. I am praying that in moments of rage and frustrations, I am reminded of the love and grace that I am surrounded with.

I want to be the reward. I want to be worthy to be called a reward.

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Uncategorized

Death By Boob

These past few days, I’ve been battling a plugged duct and a case of self-diagnosed rotavirus. As I sat on the toilet shitting liquid poop like water from a water gun while breastfeeding my little baby, I contemplated my week and wondered how it had led me to be comfortable to this state of ridiculousness.

This is how my week has looked so far..

Monday – granddaddy doesn’t work. hubby went into work on his day off to put in more hours on account of us not being able to make our payments last month (le sigh).
Woke up feeling feverish.
630AM the older baby his AM bottle and changed his diaper, and gave the little baby to the parents so I could nap in a little while longer
830AM little baby was brought up to me on account of needing to be fed. grandmommy tells me big baby only got half a banana and had one container of Danimal (he normally gets a waffle and a full banana for breakfast). I ask her to give him a bottle and to put him into bed for his AM nap since he was signing that he was tired
[[AM nap for babies and me while daddy and grandmommy goes to work]]
11AM woke up in a cold sweat with little baby climbing all over me. fed little baby. changed little baby’s diaper. brought little baby down to living room very slowly since I’m dizzy when I stand. went up and changed big baby’s diaper on account of him yelling and making his awoken slumber aware. brought big baby down. let them play around in the living room for a little while while I sat on the couch sweating bullets and freezing my ass off.
12PM big baby signs he’s hungry. fix him a pb sammich and banana. little one is whining and wants to be held. I put on Paw Patrol while I hold little baby and big baby eats.
1230PM big baby is done and needs to be washed and changed and played with. I can’t function at this point. I’m dizzy, sweating, can’t catch my breathe when I stand. I ask the granddaddy to help and take over and play with babies while I try to nap it off.
1PM granddaddy calls me from downstairs asking me to come down
130PM granddaddy calls me again
2PM granddaddy calls me again. I go down and scream that all I asked was for a little time so I can recover. I’m freezing, dripping sweat like I had a fake hose stuffed up my shirt and had it rain on my head, exhausted, frustrated. he takes one look at me and goes downstairs to his room. I feed little baby. I try to play with babies, but realize immediately that I should not and cannot be around them in my state. I scream at him to come upstairs and relieve me. I begin to hyperventilate under the anxiety that I can’t even function as a mommy right now. hands begin to cramp due to lack of O2. I freak out knowing this is a very very very bad move. I lie down on the floor to calm down. I eventually make it up the stairs back into bed. I call hubby and see if he can come home a little early from work on account of me being under the weather. I sink into darkness and thank the sweet Lord for having help even if it was forced
4PM hubby comes home and hands little baby to me telling me he thinks he’s hungry. I feed little baby and tell hubby that big baby can nap
6PM little baby wakes. I ask hubby to take him and check diaper and to take him downstairs.
[[From here on out, it was a blur. Everything from that night was a blur. All I know is that the hubby brought the little baby to me when he was hungry and sleepy and little baby napped with me. I wrapped myself in two thick blankets and sweat my life away. I woke up every 30 minutes to make sure I wasn’t smothering little baby who cosleeps with us. I think I went downstairs for a little bit when the grandmommy came home and went right back up to sleep. Poor hubby took care of so much that night. He came up to sleep sometime when I was passed out.]]
Fed little baby a few times throughout the night, but didn’t check on big baby until the next morning on account of me not feeling stupid dizzy from standing to walk a few steps to the bathroom. I didn’t wanna risk going in and collapsing in the middle of the night.

Tuesday – granddaddy went to work around 11AM. nobody else was home.
I wasn’t as dizzy this day. I was able to go downstairs without feeling like I was going to collapse. Grandparents were able to take care of babies in the AM until their AM nap. I was able to take care of babies until hubby came home. Just very, very slowly. I had an utter breakdown that evening because little baby WOULD. NOT. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. He just whined and whined and whined and whined. I began crying and sobbing hysterically to the point where I think my mother called the hubby to tell him to come help me. LULZ. The sheer embarrassment where I could not even handle myself.

Wednesday – granddaddy doesn’t work
I feel a bit better, just stomach cramps and lots and lots of runny poop. Still only at 85%. I had a meltdown at night because hubs brought up a half sleepy baby who just wanted to roll around and head butt my face and sore body. BUT I fell asleep at sometime and apparently little baby eventually fell asleep next to me. This terrified me because he could have easily fallen off the bed and I would not have been the wiser. I was that exhausted. I couldn’t believe I could have actually fallen asleep before little baby. I made the decision that if I ever feel that exhausted again, I will alert hubby so he can watch baby or let little baby cry it out in his crib as to not endanger him ever again.

Thursday – Everyone works.
I survived. I feel better. It’s the evening now. I think I’m at a good 90%. I’ve been so, so angry these past few days. I have been screaming at the babies, cursing at the world, and just been all around a complete and utter bitch. My poor hubby and my poor parents have had to endure my complete breakdown these past few days.

Writing this has taken me decades it seems. It’s most definitely now bedtime. I don’t think I’ve had a coherent thought since my first pregnancy. My brain jumps from one thing to another. I don’t think I’ve ever had one string of thought that made sense. Even speaking to my friends, I know I don’t make sense sometimes. I start by talking about one thing then end with a completely different topic.

Anyhoo, I don’t remember what this whole rant was about. All I know is that I have been the worst mother and worst daughter and worst wife in these past few days I have ever thought I could be. And I wish I could take it all back. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was a better person under pressure. I wish I was a better mother. I saw the look on my little baby’s face when I yelled at him these past few days. He was so confused and upset. I saw the confusion on the big baby’s face when I yelled at him for communicating with me. They don’t know better, but I do. I was awful. Truly awful. I need to learn to be a better person.

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Uncategorized

$10.07

Today, I spent $10.07 on bubble tea. We’re really beginning a monetary cleanse. This is going to be tough. Money management is not our best trait.

Shane has a super bad diaper rash today. He’s been screaming when I wipe his butt. Seriously heartbreaking. Baby Dom is doing just fine – moseying about his usual difficult self.

I’m at another crossroads in life. I’m failing 3/5 of my classes. I’m not doing well. Halfway through the semester, Baby Dom switched from his swing to our bed. Ever since that time, it’s been difficult to keep updated and stay focused on school. I’ve been exhausted, sleep deprived, constantly struggling to keep up with a toddler and an infant, trying to keep up with household chores, and trying to keep hubby happy and in line. Failed my classes. Failing at being a wife. Failing at being a daughter. Failing at being a mother. Failing at being a CFO of this family. Failing at being the CEO of this family. I’m just so darn tired. Like all the time. Like, why. How do others do this? I know that this is possible – to go to school, to be a mother, to be a daughter, to manage the family’s finances, and have a clean house. So why am I struggling with this so much? Is it because some women have men who help out more? Is it because these women have a stronger will than I? Is it because I’m just weaker than most? Why can’t I seem to get my shit together? It’s been 18 months since I first became a mother. Shane’s not gaining weight. I still can’t get good grades in school. I can’t keep a clean house. I can’t seem to put dinner on the table most nights. Am I just lazy? Am I just an awful person? Am I that selfish that I can’t take care of myself AND the family? I see all these friends around me who are just beginning their lives – getting engaged, getting married, buying homes, going on honeymoons, graduating schools, and even advancing in their careers. Here I am, in the dark, venting away on a blog site about my woes and failing all of my classes and being broke and feeling like a failure. I’m just so.. depressed. I see my mommy friends who are in love with their lives whether they are a working mother or a stay-at-home mom. Why can’t I have that same love towards my babies? I’m just resenting my life and trying to make the best of it, but hating myself and who I am. I have to find my identity outside of school, outside of the babies. Who am i? A mother, a sister, a wife, a daughter, a student, a money manager? Why do I suck at everything? Taking a few semesters off is probably a great thing for me. But it makes me feel like such a failure. Taking some time to do nothing but put focus towards the babies are probably the best things for me to do right now. So why do I feel like I’m losing myself to this thing called motherhood? I suck. I suck so hard. I would really like to seek professional help, but we’re having insurance issues. Insurance issues and coverage are huge factors in receiving this care. Mental health assistance in this country is so tough. Even for those who are seeking help.

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Uncategorized

Stretchy McStretch

Today I found that I have more stretch marks than I thought I had. I found marks on my thighs. I noticed I had purple stretch marks on my butt when we went to the beach a few weeks ago, but these stretch marks seem to be increasing in quantity. I am so glad my husband still loves me and is still wanting to touch me.

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