Resolutions

Ignore the fact that it’s been a few days since my last rant.
I’m going to really try to write something every day; even if it’s about nothing.
So…. here’s about nothing! 

It’s a Sunday. Baby’s sleeping. Kids are downstairs with the hubs. Parents are out at Costco. Sister is in Banff for a long weekend, and I’m here working. This is my second week working on a Sunday and it sucks. Work is wonderful when everyone is taken care of; when someone I trust has the older kids, when the baby’s sleeping, when the dogs have been taken care of and are napping, and when the phone lines are quiet. I’m also surrounded physically with clutter and chaos as the kids’ desk is being used currently to stash all miscellaneous items from our rooms. The bookshelf is a mess from the kids playing with it all day yesterday. Our room looks like a cyclone came and left. But it’s relatively quiet so it’s bliss.

Here’s to another Sunday of work and a hard-working husband.

Through the Storm

We’re struggling.

Struggling; that doesn’t even justify what we’re going through. We’re burning the wick at both ends trying to have it all. I work full time, am a full time mother, full time daughter and sister, full time wife, and part time student. At any given time, I have a million things on my mind and am juggling at least 2 different tasks. I’m exhausted from getting broken sleep. My husband also works full time, a full time husband and son, full time father, and part time coach. We don’t have any personal time with each other. We rarely have personal time to ourselves. I’m constantly underestimating myself, doubting myself. I’m constantly wondering if my choices are for the enrichment of my kids or if they’re hindering them further.

I think I just worry about whether I’m enough. If I’m doing enough. If I’m able to do it all. I mean, I guess I can, but at what cost? My sanity? My sleep? My comfort? Apparently you can’t move forward if you’re comfortable. This discomfort should mean I’m doing something right I guess.

“Praise Him through the storm,” I always hear. Well, I do praise Him through the storm. It’s the easiest time to praise Him. I know He will provide and He will give us what we need in His time. But, you know me. I like to plan. I like to know what’s ahead. I read the ending to the books first because I can’t stand the suspense. I have control issues. I need to constantly be in or feel like I’m in control.

But while I’m figuring things out, I guess I’ll just be here. In discomfort and praising God.

Cycle Of Life?

How can you tell if you are just stuck in a rut of life or if you’re just allowing yourself to rot in toxic environment?

Everyone hates their job. Everyone gets yelled at. Everyone gets cursed out. Everyone wants to not be doing what they’re doing at one point or another in their jobs. But when does it become something you actually have to move on from? When does it become more detrimental than just something that can be tolerated? “When it begins crossing over into your personal life”, some may say.  But what if it was like that way to begin with and it was just the nature of the type of job it is? Working from home should not equal being on call 24/7, but this job is. This field is nonstop and every changing. And I have to conscious of that. Except nobody told me that when I signed up for this. I just got tacked on with more and more responsibilities.. which is apparently the norm of the jobs I think. But when I get cursed out and yelled at by every employee we have every single day and butt heads with my coworker? I feel like it has crossed over into a toxic environment. My boss is not much of a boss, and I am not much of an employee. Nobody knows their roles which equals too many hands in the pot when it comes to problem solving. Too many people blaming each other. Too many people throwing their hands up and becoming frustrated at the situation and redirecting their anger towards each other.

I am miserable. From my whole living situation to my job. I am upset with allowing myself to feel marginalized by others. I feel idiotic to be in a place where I feel useless and worthless. Maybe this is just a mom thing and every other mother goes through this train of thought at one point or another. But why do I feel like not wanting to repeat this day after day? Is that also a mom thing? Is this a postpartum thing? I feel like everyone would just be so much better off without my idiotic butt in the mix. I feel like if I were just able to get out of everyone’s way their lives would be much, much lighter.

I’m gaining so much weight. I’m a failure as a student. I’m a failure as a wife. I’m a failure as a mother. I’m a failure as a daughter. I’m a failure as a sister. I’m a failure as an employee. I’m a failure as a Christian. I just want a win somewhere.

I think I read somewhere that the best place to go to Him is when you’re at your lowest and darkest. He is the Light and the Way. I remember someone from church stating that in the midst of a confusing time, she spent more time with God. She had more one on one time with Him rather than worrying about the other things in her life, and surprisingly things started happening. She got a great new job and she was happier than she was in months. Maybe I just haven’t hit that deep dark yet, but, man, it’s pretty dark where I am. I think I just don’t know where to start, and I don’t have much of a support system emotionally. Maybe I just need to make that baby step on my own. Maybe this is my solo dive into myself since I never really did that in the past. Maybe this is where I get to know who I am.

New Year Resolutions

Convincing myself that I can become a better person. Once again. For the upcoming year. Sigh..

Every year I make the same resolution – try to become a better person. Sleep more. Sleep better. Yell less. Meditate. Ground my soul. Exercise. Eat healthier. Become a better parent. Become someone I want to be proud of looking back on the year when the year’s end comes around.

Year 2017 accomplishments:
We are all still here and surviving through the hell of infant hood to toddler hood.
We have become a stronger family and are doing better in communicating with one another.
We are learning how to become better people every day for the sake of our sanity and our relationships with friends and family.

Resolution for the new year:
Survive.

Thus Begins The Descent

I feel like I’m going crazy. Let’s be real. I am going crazy.

Blame it on the lack of sleep. Blame it on the kids. Blame it on the lack of adult communication. But I don’t think I’m okay. I don’t know if I ever was okay. Not only am I in a constant crisis of searching for an identity, I am actually not sure if I ever had one. As I delve deeper into this social psychology class, I don’t even know if I identify with a group which apparently is super important in evolving as a person.

I had yet another melt down today. Except this time I actually thought about running away. Seriously. I thought about packing a bag and going to the gym for a few hours to clear my head since running away to Bora Bora wasn’t an option. I’m just so sick and tired of repeating my days and my words over and over and over again to these kids. It’s as if they’re falling on deaf ears. And, before you say it, I know. I know this is what being a parent is all about. Tolerating them through their mistakes and growing pains until they get it right. But that feels like it’ll happen in five billion light years. I’m tired of being on-call every single minute, every single second of every day. Seriously.

You turn around for one second and Dom has his hands on scissors. You turn around to handle that and Shane has taken off his pants and diaper. You turn around to take care of that issue and Dom has gotten a hold of a car track and chasing Donte around the living room trying to hit him over the head. You handle that and Shane has climbed a chair to try to get to the leftover Goldfish and smoothie on the table. You get him off safely and Dom is now climbing the hubby’s computer chair and pounding away on the keys. I’m just really, really, really tired. Tired of life. Tired of existing solely to have eyes on two danger-loving toddlers who seem to love going diaper-less but are not yet potty trained. All day. From the second their little eyes open to the very long hours their little bodies finally fall asleep.

I’m just tired of answering the same questions from my parents about the kids and life. I’m tired of justifying every aspect of my life to my parents. I’m tired of saying “I’m okay” when I’m really not only because there’s nothing anybody can really do to help. I’m tired of constantly feeling like I’m failing at life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m just wasting everyone’s time and energy in existing when I fail as a mother, wife, and daughter. Every few days or so, I end up going to a really dark place which has been taking me longer and longer to get out of. But during those good few days, they’re great. They remind me why I love where I am. They remind me that these moments too shall pass. They remind me that if I can just get through those dark patches, I will come back and continue fighting through the obscurity that is this stage of life.

But I guess for now I’ll just keep praying that He gives me the strength to make it through these

Better Days

Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days.

Fitbit says I slept 4.45 hours, but I felt refreshed..-ish. We woke up a little later than normal and had the house to ourselves this morning. I wrote bills. I put said bills in the outgoing mailbox. I was able to spend some alone time with Shane reading some books with him. I was able to do take care of some work. Dinner went relatively smoothly with the help of the hubs. Bath. Bedtime went relatively quickly due to their awfully short nap this afternoon. I was able to get some last minute work done prior to 9pm. Thinking about heading out to Giant to make a tapioca pudding run.. but perhaps I’ll forgo that and polish off this half-drunken, day-old bubble tea just binge Rizzoli and Isles on Hulu.

It’s only 912pm! The limits of what I can do are endless! Until the youngest baby wakes up. In about an hour probably. So I will make a run to Giant to get tapioca pudding so I can binge on both snacks and Hulu after I finish my work report.

#wfhmlife #sahmlife

This Is For Real

I’ve got emotion, dripping out my pores, and I thought I would let you know

This song always takes me back to when I was a freshman in college sitting in the laundry room with some dude who was also doing laundry at 2am. We would meet every week or so in the wee hours of the morning as we were both night owls at the time. We were exchanging emo/alternative music selections, discussing the endless possibilities we had for our futures. We would philosophize. We would laugh. We would banter. Ah, the simpler days.

Some days I wish the days were simpler like before. Some days I wish all I had to do was fend for myself, think for myself, and plan only for myself. But when I think about the person I was then and the person I am now, everything makes sense. I couldn’t have possible become this (though it may not seem it to you) strong, moderately confident and optimistic, sometimes hopeful person I am today if I didn’t go through the trials and experiences I had then. I could not have become this person if I didn’t struggle through my insecurities. If I never went through the self hatred and the depression, I could never had realized the depths of love I was capable of. Without the ridiculously overwhelming self awareness, almost crippling fear of being in public spaces, and conversing with others, I would never have found this new self awareness of not giving a crap.

But some days I do wish I could go and stay in a hole at home. Some days I just really do not care to converse with others whether those “others” be friends or randos. Other days, I crave human interaction so badly that I’m willing to make a day trip out to the mall or Target. This balancing act is stupid hard. I think life just really changes so drastically as a parent. It just gets harder and harder to keep up with life outside of kids. And I know there’s a whole “Make sure you’re taking a little me time” or “Make sure you’re having regular date nights with the hubby without kids so you keep your marriage okay” or whatnot. But.. honestly, I think we’ve been without the kids a total of five times since Dominic has been born. And that was to attend weddings and a few mini trips out for errands. I don’t mind having babies with us when we’re out. Definitely much harder, but I don’t mind it. I spend enough time with the hubby at night before bed. I force him to spend time with us on his precious weekends off. I think I have enough of him for now. I think we’re doing okay. For now. I feel like I’m finally filling into my role as a parent. I think we’ve gotten a little bit of a (very loosely stated) routine down in regards to our schedules. I’m finally in a bit of a better mental state. I think I’m at an age where I’m finally owning up to what I want to do versus what I need to be doing.

Supernatural!

Season 11 is on Netflix!

I was an exhausted, frustrated mother and wife today. Hubby told me he needed to be on early today and I still snapped at him. Baby Dom is getting over a cold. Baby Shane is getting a cold. Both are ridiculously needy and want to be held. I’m just tired of being a climbing gym and constantly watching these babies all day from 8am to 1am. The latter part of this week has been a nightmare in terms of Dom’s sleeping patterns.

I want to be a better mother this year. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better daughter. I am going to keep my official resolutions list relatively quiet since this year I’m surrendering. All my plans are futile. All my planning is futile. The only plan that matters is what He has planned for me. And I rejoice in His way. I feel like I am too much a part of this world. I want to empty myself and be a vessel for joy and love. His joy and love. We’ll see how this goes.

In the meantime, let me watch some Supernatural in the few precious minutes baby Dom is sleeping and shove a mini pizza down my throat while I sip Coke out of a wine glass. Hashtag – #Classy.

Hallelujah

Praise the Lord!

Sometimes I forget to take time out of the day and thank God for everything.

So.. here is a public thank you.
Thank you for the roof over my head.
Thank you for the extra money for the Taco Bell we indulged in today.
Thank you for the endless support and love our family doles out for us.
Thank you for our daily breath.
Thank you for the food in our pantry.
Thank you for the clothes on our backs.
Thank you for our Internet and TV.
Thank you for Netflix.
Thank you for the wonderful blessings of the hubby’s job.
Thank you for our friends.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for hope.

We trust you with our lives.
We love you for the guidance and patience you provide to us.
We pray that you continue to watch over us and be patient with us as we struggle with the temptations of the world.

He makes me want to be a better human. He makes me want to be the person He made me to be.

American Housewife

Hubby and I have been attempting to do devotions before bed every night to regroup and recharge our spiritual walk together. It has definitely been difficult, especially on nights when we’re both exhausted from long days. We’re attempting the “Refresh Your Marriage in 31 Days” plan from the Bible app.

Last night’s devotions stuck with me a little bit.
“In the beginning of marriage, a partner can do no wrong. If he comes home too late for dinner, she thinks: “Poor guy, I’m sure he’s stuck in traffic” or “I’m sure he has to work longer. Mean boss!”. When he finally comes home, she falls into his arms longingly, no matter how late it is. But after a few years of marriage, a different wind blows. She gets annoyed because the roast has become cold again or because the children are hungry and are having a sword fight using their forks. “He could have at least called. He is always only thinking of himself!”

The funny thing is the accompanying verse to this devotional was:
Ecclesiastes 9:9
“Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toll.”

I laughed a little when I told my hubby that I was his reward for all his earthly tolls. I don’t think he ever thought his reward would come with such a nagging soul and such severe mood swings. I think I forget sometimes that he works so hard at his job all day and has our best interests at heart. In the chaos of prying babies off each other, feeling useless at home, and being jealous of him for being out all day, I forget that he is the man of the house and that he takes care of us. Though he has difficulty changing poopy diapers and putting the babies to sleep, he does provide. He does worry. I think in moments of frustrations and anger, I just need to remind myself that I expect a lot of others, especially those who are close to me, and that I need to remember that I am strong and can get through things by myself, too. I feel like sometimes I rely or expect the help from others too much and I contribute a little more to the feeling of being helpless and useless in doing so. I just need to remember that I am strong and if my hubby can go out and work hard for us every day, I can work hard and tend to the house and babies every day as well. I feel like I’m definitely setting myself up to be a housewife from the twenties, but I think it’s just the place I am in my life right now. I just need to accept being home and taking care of babies for a while. Maybe this is what God has planned for me right now. Maybe this is the path I need to be on for a little while before I am able to focus on myself and further my plans. Maybe He’s reminding me that His plans supersede whatever plans I have for myself, and this is my path of getting back on track to His plan for me. Either way, I am praying for patience and guidance. I am praying that in moments of rage and frustrations, I am reminded of the love and grace that I am surrounded with.

I want to be the reward. I want to be worthy to be called a reward.