family, Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

Days In, Days Out

Days all feel the same.

Making sure kids don’t get hurt. Making sure they’re fed. Trying to make sure they’re getting sleep. Trying to find the middle ground between screaming at them and letting them become more independent. Trying to care about work enough to make sure shit gets done, but also make sure you’re not stressing about work too much to the point where it’s taking away from your ability to parent. Actually making sure you’re doing enough work to make sure you feel you’re actually earning that paycheck and you’re not doing too much that you don’t think your paycheck is enough. Making sure you’re doing something for your husband that makes him know you love him, but also making sure you don’t actually emasculate him or berate him with your words when you’re upset or frustrated. Making sure your husband actually feels like an equal partner in this parenting thing and life thing rather than just being in it for the ride. Making sure your parents are happy. Making sure you’re being respectful and not too big of a brat. Making sure your parents feel like they’re valued and know that they are loved and that we are grateful for everything, but also trying to mold your own identity as a parent, wife, and person. Making sure you’re keeping in touch with friends even though you never see them. Making sure you’re doing enough for your kids that you’re not messing them up psychologically or emotionally for life.

There’s just so much noise. So much noise in my head and I can’t sometimes. I can’t think. I can’t function. I can’t tune them all out. All the days are the same and blend in together.

“How are you?”

I have absolutely no fucking idea. 

Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.”¬†

Give it all to Him. He can take it. He knows where He wants you and He will lead you. There is no use in fretting over the little things of the world when He takes care of all. He takes care of the smallest creatures of this land. How can I have such a difficult time putting my trust in Him? Why do I fret and worry over the littlest things? Why do I allow myself to feel such anger and frustration over such trivial matters? My brain knows to not allow myself to be so easily frustrated. But my heart and emotions just sky rocket so easily. I really need time to myself. To reflect. To find myself. To really.. just be.

Carving out time to myself to fill myself up with His Word is really difficult with Hulu and Netflix. I keep telling myself that I will begin serious devotions and reflection tomorrow, but every evening it seems that after an episode or two of Rizzoli and Isles, it’s 1130pm and time for bed. Maybe tomorrow.. maybe tomorrow.

family, Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

Be All You Can Be

All I can be is…. one thing. One persona. I can’t be a great parent, a great wife, and a great daughter. I can be maybe one great and mediocre other and a failure at the last. Some days, I’m a great daughter, a mediocre parent, and a failure of a wife. Others, I’m a great wife, mediocre parent, and a failure of a daughter.

Living with parents just makes things that much harder. Not only do you have to take into account your kids’ lives – keeping them alive, making sure they’re happy, making sure you’re not ruining them from life – and make sure your relationship with your husband is on not-resenting-each-other-still-loving-each-other-terms, you have to take into consideration your parents’ lives. Their emotions. Their decisions. Their relationships with you. Their relationships with your kids. Then on top of that, you have your friendships you have to try to keep track of. You have school work. You have work work. You have your futures to think about. You have to worry about everything and everybody at the same time all the time.

My head is about to explode. I can’t get a minute alone to myself. Even when I do get a minute to myself, my mind is always there. Always worrying, always thinking, always on edge. I’m just so tired. So stressed. It’s become my norm. Tired and stressed. Maybe this is why people just trudge on with their lives after marriage and kids. Just existing. There just isn’t much room for yourself in your mind.


I’ll do better tomorrow

That’s forever my motto – I’ll do better tomorrow.

I’ll do better making dinner a little healthier tomorrow. I’ll do better actually making dinner. I’ll do better in not losing my temper with the kids tomorrow. I’ll do better being more patient with my family. I’ll be a better wife. I’ll be a better mother. I’ll be a better person.
Forever tomorrow.

When is this “tomorrow” I keep telling myself all these things will happen? Maybe it’s just something I just have to keep striving towards. Maybe this “tomorrow” is just a dream I should keep reaching for.


Bad Decisions

I am literally making bad decisions every night. Rather than buckling down and reading these library books, I’m sitting here watching Elementary and doing some Sudoku. I should be.. packing lunch, meal planning, reading library books or any books in general, sleeping or at least winding down to nap before baby wakes up, making a schedule, life planning, etc, etc..

I wish I had better self-control. And self-discipline. I guess I’ll just add that to the to-do list for this month.


Mid-afternoon bubble tea thoughts 

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how the hubs needs to take a step up and take more responsibilities around the house and with the kids. But maybe I’m the one who needs to take a step forward and do more. Instead of wishing he could spend more time with us, maybe I should try to make sure kids don’t forget his existence and actually anticipate his daily evening return.  Instead of wishing he set aside more time for us time, maybe I should take that time to spend working on my relationship with Him. Instead of demanding him to help everyday, maybe I should.. no. I’m going to keep demanding he help out everyday for dinner since it’s literally the only time of each day we can spend as a family even if half the time it’s watching Dominic and making sure he’s limiting his mess to his table area. Sorry, babe. Maybe I’ve been expecting too much of others when I’ve been slacking in the expectations I have for myself. I can do better. 


Is this what dreams are made of?

I haven’t seriously looked at school programs for a while.

It’s a little scary – that realization. It’s like I’ve put my entire life on hold for this family. I feel like I’m losing myself. But maybe this is how I find myself. Maybe this is who I’m meant to be – a-constantly-struggling-to-keep-my-head-above-the-waters-of-poop-and-screams-of-toddlers-mother.

Also. Here I am. 1144pm at night. Finished with work. Eating a cookie. Drinking room temperature water from a Taco Bell drink cup. Not sleeping. Not reading one of the two library books I actually wanted to read at the time. Not making this bedroom more baby proof. I’m watching The Mindy Project and munching. And writing this mini-rant.

I think I’m changing my views on who I want to become and that scares me a little bit. I want to become a better mother. A better role model. A better person. I’ve never had the will power to stick with something long enough for me to actually feel accomplished. I want to feel like I did something worthwhile. I want to be proud of myself.