Bad Decisions

I am literally making bad decisions every night. Rather than buckling down and reading these library books, I’m sitting here watching Elementary and doing some Sudoku. I should be.. packing lunch, meal planning, reading library books or any books in general, sleeping or at least winding down to nap before baby wakes up, making a schedule, life planning, etc, etc..

I wish I had better self-control. And self-discipline. I guess I’ll just add that to the to-do list for this month.


Mid-afternoon bubble tea thoughts 

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how the hubs needs to take a step up and take more responsibilities around the house and with the kids. But maybe I’m the one who needs to take a step forward and do more. Instead of wishing he could spend more time with us, maybe I should try to make sure kids don’t forget his existence and actually anticipate his daily evening return.  Instead of wishing he set aside more time for us time, maybe I should take that time to spend working on my relationship with Him. Instead of demanding him to help everyday, maybe I should.. no. I’m going to keep demanding he help out everyday for dinner since it’s literally the only time of each day we can spend as a family even if half the time it’s watching Dominic and making sure he’s limiting his mess to his table area. Sorry, babe. Maybe I’ve been expecting too much of others when I’ve been slacking in the expectations I have for myself. I can do better. 


Is this what dreams are made of?

I haven’t seriously looked at school programs for a while.

It’s a little scary – that realization. It’s like I’ve put my entire life on hold for this family. I feel like I’m losing myself. But maybe this is how I find myself. Maybe this is who I’m meant to be – a-constantly-struggling-to-keep-my-head-above-the-waters-of-poop-and-screams-of-toddlers-mother.

Also. Here I am. 1144pm at night. Finished with work. Eating a cookie. Drinking room temperature water from a Taco Bell drink cup. Not sleeping. Not reading one of the two library books I actually wanted to read at the time. Not making this bedroom more baby proof. I’m watching The Mindy Project and munching. And writing this mini-rant.

I think I’m changing my views on who I want to become and that scares me a little bit. I want to become a better mother. A better role model. A better person. I’ve never had the will power to stick with something long enough for me to actually feel accomplished. I want to feel like I did something worthwhile. I want to be proud of myself.

family, Marriage, parenthood, Religious

The Daily Mudslide

I actually made a list of things to do and things I’d like to keep up with – devotions, work, working out, and packing Nick’s lunch. The only thing I actually kept up with was work. I did devotions for a good 8 day streak and failed miserably after the holiday. I worked out once within the entire two weeks I tracked myself. I also packed lunch for the hubby once during the tracking period. Granted he didn’t work three times out of the two weeks – one was a holiday and the other was a Sunday.

I just feel like I’m climbing a muddy hill. Every time I feel like I’m getting a grip, I slip. Every time I feel like I’m doing okay, I slide right back down, and I struggle to get a handle on things to get back on track.

I even had a few motivation post-its on my little tracking sheet, but that didn’t really help. I wish I had a partner that I could share this with; that I could work through this with. Someone who would push me. Someone who would motivate me.

I know I should turn to God in this time when I feel like I’m alone, but it’s definitely tough when you’re surrounded by people and you feel like you should be feeling supported and motivated and loved through them but come up empty. My last devotions was actually about turning to God when you felt alone or when you’re feeling like your cup is empty. “[Look to Him to fill your cup when you are feeling empty]” – total paraphrasing.

I just need to keep going.

Take the pressure off yourself to do everything and be everything. YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

Marriage, Religious

Rhythm and Rhyme

“You must never feel badly about making mistakes … as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.”

Some days I forget to count my blessings amidst the chaos and frustrations.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of friends. Thank you for the blessing of good health. Thank you for the blessing of love you have surrounded us with. Thank you for the full bellies. Thank you for hot water and warm house.

I need to remember to give more thanks and count my blessings than giving into the anger and frustrations of the world. With the amount of blessings I have, it shouldn’t be so difficult to remember to thank Him for them.


Romance Me

I found this gem of a novel in the sale section of a library bookshelf a few years ago, and it opened my eyes to why romance novels were so popular. I recently found this book hidden among the hoard of nursing textbooks I had tucked away, and reading it immediately made me fall in love with books again. I also found out that this book is number TWO in a series of ELEVEN. I’ve FINALLY finished them, and needless to say I’ve fallen in love with a character. This has also reignited this spark I have for this southern, country, rustic life. More than that, it sparked this hunger deep within me. This hunger for romance.

Yes, the idea of romance is different for many. I used to love being wined and dined; seeing a side of someone you’re not familiar with. You’re dating this person and these dates and spending time with them brings you closer and closer to knowing them. But what’s romance supposed to look like when you’re 3 years of marriage and 2 kids deep? It’s definitely not a butt grab or a boob squeeze. It’s not an “I love you” gaze before bed. It’s not even a dinner alone without the kids in an attempt to “remember” who we were before the kids. I think I’m beginning to think my idea of romance is a clean sink, empty dishwasher. It’s finding that your phone has been plugged in after you passed out trying to stay awake for your hubby to come up to bed. It’s having him watch the kids while I sneak away to do some work. It’s him still trying to cop a feel before bed even though he’s seen my body do things I wouldn’t want to see myself.

As much as I miss being romanced with the obvious depths of planning put into a date, the scintillating conversations of life and the possibilities of the future, and the build up of sexual tension, I don’t think this type of romance is bad at all. It’s a little different.. but not so bad at all. It’s definitely a lot less work.


Tired of Being Tired

Tired of worrying about everything. All the time.
Tired of trying to make sure I’m doing things okay when I’m obviously not.
Tired of trying to do things “my” way when there are so many other things to consider.
Tired of getting so angry when these said plans inevitably fail.
Tired of feeling like my life isn’t my own.
Tired of never getting a moment alone that isn’t guilt-ridden or saturated with failure.
Tired of putting my entire life on the back burner.
Tired of trying to “get things together” when a new thing comes up every day.
Tired of always having other people on my mind.
Tired of constantly asking for help.
Tired of feeling like I’m always so lonely and in need of companionship.
Tired of everything.

Maybe it’s the tiredness.
Maybe I’m just getting to that point in the week where I’ve reached my limit.
Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so beat up, and I’m just over it.
I just don’t want to keep doing this day after day, hour after hour anymore.
I’m just so tired.
I really just don’t want to anymore.