Marriage

Romance Me

I found this gem of a novel in the sale section of a library bookshelf a few years ago, and it opened my eyes to why romance novels were so popular. I recently found this book hidden among the hoard of nursing textbooks I had tucked away, and reading it immediately made me fall in love with books again. I also found out that this book is number TWO in a series of ELEVEN. I’ve FINALLY finished them, and needless to say I’ve fallen in love with a character. This has also reignited this spark I have for this southern, country, rustic life. More than that, it sparked this hunger deep within me. This hunger for romance.

Yes, the idea of romance is different for many. I used to love being wined and dined; seeing a side of someone you’re not familiar with. You’re dating this person and these dates and spending time with them brings you closer and closer to knowing them. But what’s romance supposed to look like when you’re 3 years of marriage and 2 kids deep? It’s definitely not a butt grab or a boob squeeze. It’s not an “I love you” gaze before bed. It’s not even a dinner alone without the kids in an attempt to “remember” who we were before the kids. I think I’m beginning to think my idea of romance is a clean sink, empty dishwasher. It’s finding that your phone has been plugged in after you passed out trying to stay awake for your hubby to come up to bed. It’s having him watch the kids while I sneak away to do some work. It’s him still trying to cop a feel before bed even though he’s seen my body do things I wouldn’t want to see myself.

As much as I miss being romanced with the obvious depths of planning put into a date, the scintillating conversations of life and the possibilities of the future, and the build up of sexual tension, I don’t think this type of romance is bad at all. It’s a little different.. but not so bad at all. It’s definitely a lot less work.

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Marriage

Tired of Being Tired

Tired of worrying about everything. All the time.
Tired of trying to make sure I’m doing things okay when I’m obviously not.
Tired of trying to do things “my” way when there are so many other things to consider.
Tired of getting so angry when these said plans inevitably fail.
Tired of feeling like my life isn’t my own.
Tired of never getting a moment alone that isn’t guilt-ridden or saturated with failure.
Tired of putting my entire life on the back burner.
Tired of trying to “get things together” when a new thing comes up every day.
Tired of always having other people on my mind.
Tired of constantly asking for help.
Tired of feeling like I’m always so lonely and in need of companionship.
Tired of everything.

Maybe it’s the tiredness.
Maybe I’m just getting to that point in the week where I’ve reached my limit.
Maybe I’m just tired of feeling so beat up, and I’m just over it.
I just don’t want to keep doing this day after day, hour after hour anymore.
I’m just so tired.
I really just don’t want to anymore.

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Marriage

This Is For Real

I’ve got emotion, dripping out my pores, and I thought I would let you know

This song always takes me back to when I was a freshman in college sitting in the laundry room with some dude who was also doing laundry at 2am. We would meet every week or so in the wee hours of the morning as we were both night owls at the time. We were exchanging emo/alternative music selections, discussing the endless possibilities we had for our futures. We would philosophize. We would laugh. We would banter. Ah, the simpler days.

Some days I wish the days were simpler like before. Some days I wish all I had to do was fend for myself, think for myself, and plan only for myself. But when I think about the person I was then and the person I am now, everything makes sense. I couldn’t have possible become this (though it may not seem it to you) strong, moderately confident and optimistic, sometimes hopeful person I am today if I didn’t go through the trials and experiences I had then. I could not have become this person if I didn’t struggle through my insecurities. If I never went through the self hatred and the depression, I could never had realized the depths of love I was capable of. Without the ridiculously overwhelming self awareness, almost crippling fear of being in public spaces, and conversing with others, I would never have found this new self awareness of not giving a crap.

But some days I do wish I could go and stay in a hole at home. Some days I just really do not care to converse with others whether those “others” be friends or randos. Other days, I crave human interaction so badly that I’m willing to make a day trip out to the mall or Target. This balancing act is stupid hard. I think life just really changes so drastically as a parent. It just gets harder and harder to keep up with life outside of kids. And I know there’s a whole “Make sure you’re taking a little me time” or “Make sure you’re having regular date nights with the hubby without kids so you keep your marriage okay” or whatnot. But.. honestly, I think we’ve been without the kids a total of five times since Dominic has been born. And that was to attend weddings and a few mini trips out for errands. I don’t mind having babies with us when we’re out. Definitely much harder, but I don’t mind it. I spend enough time with the hubby at night before bed. I force him to spend time with us on his precious weekends off. I think I have enough of him for now. I think we’re doing okay. For now. I feel like I’m finally filling into my role as a parent. I think we’ve gotten a little bit of a (very loosely stated) routine down in regards to our schedules. I’m finally in a bit of a better mental state. I think I’m at an age where I’m finally owning up to what I want to do versus what I need to be doing.

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Marriage

Reminders of Love

The other day, my husband came back after running a wonderfully nerdy errand for me at the public library. He decided to pick up some food and a secret surprise of COFFEE on the way back home. He then proceeded to tell me how he noticed someone in NICU scrubs at Starbucks. She was looking a bit defeated so he went up and chatted with her for a bit. Apparently, she had started her job at the NICU around the time Shane was there! What a coinky-dink! He chatted a little bit more with her and bought her a $20 gift card to help put a smile on her face as she went into work that evening.

That moment – when he was talking about how he hopes he made her day a little better – reminded me of why I fell in love with him. Every time he brings home a sleeve of Oreos when he knows I’ve had a bad day or makes sure I get my coffee in the mornings if we’re out on an outing, he reminds me of his goodness. Every time he gets up and helps me with babies’ baths or whatever – even if it is begrudgingly, he reminds me of his kindness.

He’s a sweetie, my hubby.

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Marriage

Jinx

So… Dom has been peacefully napping for 2 hours. I’ve been able to catch up on some researching for parents’ last minute trip. I’ve been able to do some finances. Knock on wood, but maybe he’ll nap for a little longer until we head up to bed!

Fingers crossed!
Could this be the dawn of a new era?

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Marriage

The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot

“so call it quits or get a grip” 

I’m sitting here in the dimly lit living room with my Spotify mix of emo throwbacks trying to sort through my thoughts and the million things on my to-do list. It’s been a trying week. Hell, let’s be real. It’s been a trying year. As soon as I think I’m doing better, I have a meltdown. When I think I have a grip on myself, I get hit with a huge dark spell.

I’m trying. 
I’m really trying to give up control. 
Nothing is in my control at this point in time. 
Everything is out of control. 
Spinning, swirling, crashing out of control. 
And I’m really trying. 

I think sometimes I just implode. Which is silly since I don’t really hold things in much anymore. But I’ve had years and years of practice. I’m not quite sure why I’m not able to put that whole “smush it down until it implodes” method to use again. Maybe because I’ve become a bit more self aware and realize that it’s a ridiculously toxic way of handling situations. Maybe because it was actually extremely detrimental to my well-being.
I wish I was a more stable person for the people around me. 

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Marriage

Resolutions

New Year resolutions never work for me. I just can’t seem to find the motivation most days to do much of anything aside from the necessities of keeping everyone alive and fed. There’s nothing I look forward to very much. I’m just.. surviving. I’m not even “living”. I’m just.. going through the motions.

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