Better Days

Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days.

Fitbit says I slept 4.45 hours, but I felt refreshed..-ish. We woke up a little later than normal and had the house to ourselves this morning. I wrote bills. I put said bills in the outgoing mailbox. I was able to spend some alone time with Shane reading some books with him. I was able to do take care of some work. Dinner went relatively smoothly with the help of the hubs. Bath. Bedtime went relatively quickly due to their awfully short nap this afternoon. I was able to get some last minute work done prior to 9pm. Thinking about heading out to Giant to make a tapioca pudding run.. but perhaps I’ll forgo that and polish off this half-drunken, day-old bubble tea just binge Rizzoli and Isles on Hulu.

It’s only 912pm! The limits of what I can do are endless! Until the youngest baby wakes up. In about an hour probably. So I will make a run to Giant to get tapioca pudding so I can binge on both snacks and Hulu after I finish my work report.

#wfhmlife #sahmlife

Supernatural!

Season 11 is on Netflix!

I was an exhausted, frustrated mother and wife today. Hubby told me he needed to be on early today and I still snapped at him. Baby Dom is getting over a cold. Baby Shane is getting a cold. Both are ridiculously needy and want to be held. I’m just tired of being a climbing gym and constantly watching these babies all day from 8am to 1am. The latter part of this week has been a nightmare in terms of Dom’s sleeping patterns.

I want to be a better mother this year. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better daughter. I am going to keep my official resolutions list relatively quiet since this year I’m surrendering. All my plans are futile. All my planning is futile. The only plan that matters is what He has planned for me. And I rejoice in His way. I feel like I am too much a part of this world. I want to empty myself and be a vessel for joy and love. His joy and love. We’ll see how this goes.

In the meantime, let me watch some Supernatural in the few precious minutes baby Dom is sleeping and shove a mini pizza down my throat while I sip Coke out of a wine glass. Hashtag – #Classy.

American Housewife

Hubby and I have been attempting to do devotions before bed every night to regroup and recharge our spiritual walk together. It has definitely been difficult, especially on nights when we’re both exhausted from long days. We’re attempting the “Refresh Your Marriage in 31 Days” plan from the Bible app.

Last night’s devotions stuck with me a little bit.
“In the beginning of marriage, a partner can do no wrong. If he comes home too late for dinner, she thinks: “Poor guy, I’m sure he’s stuck in traffic” or “I’m sure he has to work longer. Mean boss!”. When he finally comes home, she falls into his arms longingly, no matter how late it is. But after a few years of marriage, a different wind blows. She gets annoyed because the roast has become cold again or because the children are hungry and are having a sword fight using their forks. “He could have at least called. He is always only thinking of himself!”

The funny thing is the accompanying verse to this devotional was:
Ecclesiastes 9:9
“Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toll.”

I laughed a little when I told my hubby that I was his reward for all his earthly tolls. I don’t think he ever thought his reward would come with such a nagging soul and such severe mood swings. I think I forget sometimes that he works so hard at his job all day and has our best interests at heart. In the chaos of prying babies off each other, feeling useless at home, and being jealous of him for being out all day, I forget that he is the man of the house and that he takes care of us. Though he has difficulty changing poopy diapers and putting the babies to sleep, he does provide. He does worry. I think in moments of frustrations and anger, I just need to remind myself that I expect a lot of others, especially those who are close to me, and that I need to remember that I am strong and can get through things by myself, too. I feel like sometimes I rely or expect the help from others too much and I contribute a little more to the feeling of being helpless and useless in doing so. I just need to remember that I am strong and if my hubby can go out and work hard for us every day, I can work hard and tend to the house and babies every day as well. I feel like I’m definitely setting myself up to be a housewife from the twenties, but I think it’s just the place I am in my life right now. I just need to accept being home and taking care of babies for a while. Maybe this is what God has planned for me right now. Maybe this is the path I need to be on for a little while before I am able to focus on myself and further my plans. Maybe He’s reminding me that His plans supersede whatever plans I have for myself, and this is my path of getting back on track to His plan for me. Either way, I am praying for patience and guidance. I am praying that in moments of rage and frustrations, I am reminded of the love and grace that I am surrounded with.

I want to be the reward. I want to be worthy to be called a reward.

$10.07

Today, I spent $10.07 on bubble tea. We’re really beginning a monetary cleanse. This is going to be tough. Money management is not our best trait.

Shane has a super bad diaper rash today. He’s been screaming when I wipe his butt. Seriously heartbreaking. Baby Dom is doing just fine – moseying about his usual difficult self.

I’m at another crossroads in life. I’m failing 3/5 of my classes. I’m not doing well. Halfway through the semester, Baby Dom switched from his swing to our bed. Ever since that time, it’s been difficult to keep updated and stay focused on school. I’ve been exhausted, sleep deprived, constantly struggling to keep up with a toddler and an infant, trying to keep up with household chores, and trying to keep hubby happy and in line. Failed my classes. Failing at being a wife. Failing at being a daughter. Failing at being a mother. Failing at being a CFO of this family. Failing at being the CEO of this family. I’m just so darn tired. Like all the time. Like, why. How do others do this? I know that this is possible – to go to school, to be a mother, to be a daughter, to manage the family’s finances, and have a clean house. So why am I struggling with this so much? Is it because some women have men who help out more? Is it because these women have a stronger will than I? Is it because I’m just weaker than most? Why can’t I seem to get my shit together? It’s been 18 months since I first became a mother. Shane’s not gaining weight. I still can’t get good grades in school. I can’t keep a clean house. I can’t seem to put dinner on the table most nights. Am I just lazy? Am I just an awful person? Am I that selfish that I can’t take care of myself AND the family? I see all these friends around me who are just beginning their lives – getting engaged, getting married, buying homes, going on honeymoons, graduating schools, and even advancing in their careers. Here I am, in the dark, venting away on a blog site about my woes and failing all of my classes and being broke and feeling like a failure. I’m just so.. depressed. I see my mommy friends who are in love with their lives whether they are a working mother or a stay-at-home mom. Why can’t I have that same love towards my babies? I’m just resenting my life and trying to make the best of it, but hating myself and who I am. I have to find my identity outside of school, outside of the babies. Who am i? A mother, a sister, a wife, a daughter, a student, a money manager? Why do I suck at everything? Taking a few semesters off is probably a great thing for me. But it makes me feel like such a failure. Taking some time to do nothing but put focus towards the babies are probably the best things for me to do right now. So why do I feel like I’m losing myself to this thing called motherhood? I suck. I suck so hard. I would really like to seek professional help, but we’re having insurance issues. Insurance issues and coverage are huge factors in receiving this care. Mental health assistance in this country is so tough. Even for those who are seeking help.