Today, I spent $10.07 on bubble tea. We’re really beginning a monetary cleanse. This is going to be tough. Money management is not our best trait.
Shane has a super bad diaper rash today. He’s been screaming when I wipe his butt. Seriously heartbreaking. Baby Dom is doing just fine – moseying about his usual difficult self.
I’m at another crossroads in life. I’m failing 3/5 of my classes. I’m not doing well. Halfway through the semester, Baby Dom switched from his swing to our bed. Ever since that time, it’s been difficult to keep updated and stay focused on school. I’ve been exhausted, sleep deprived, constantly struggling to keep up with a toddler and an infant, trying to keep up with household chores, and trying to keep hubby happy and in line. Failed my classes. Failing at being a wife. Failing at being a daughter. Failing at being a mother. Failing at being a CFO of this family. Failing at being the CEO of this family. I’m just so darn tired. Like all the time. Like, why. How do others do this? I know that this is possible – to go to school, to be a mother, to be a daughter, to manage the family’s finances, and have a clean house. So why am I struggling with this so much? Is it because some women have men who help out more? Is it because these women have a stronger will than I? Is it because I’m just weaker than most? Why can’t I seem to get my shit together? It’s been 18 months since I first became a mother. Shane’s not gaining weight. I still can’t get good grades in school. I can’t keep a clean house. I can’t seem to put dinner on the table most nights. Am I just lazy? Am I just an awful person? Am I that selfish that I can’t take care of myself AND the family? I see all these friends around me who are just beginning their lives – getting engaged, getting married, buying homes, going on honeymoons, graduating schools, and even advancing in their careers. Here I am, in the dark, venting away on a blog site about my woes and failing all of my classes and being broke and feeling like a failure. I’m just so.. depressed. I see my mommy friends who are in love with their lives whether they are a working mother or a stay-at-home mom. Why can’t I have that same love towards my babies? I’m just resenting my life and trying to make the best of it, but hating myself and who I am. I have to find my identity outside of school, outside of the babies. Who am i? A mother, a sister, a wife, a daughter, a student, a money manager? Why do I suck at everything? Taking a few semesters off is probably a great thing for me. But it makes me feel like such a failure. Taking some time to do nothing but put focus towards the babies are probably the best things for me to do right now. So why do I feel like I’m losing myself to this thing called motherhood? I suck. I suck so hard. I would really like to seek professional help, but we’re having insurance issues. Insurance issues and coverage are huge factors in receiving this care. Mental health assistance in this country is so tough. Even for those who are seeking help.