family, parenthood

Expectations VS Reality

I’m following someone from my past who just recently had a baby. She had a difficult birth and since her first wasn’t the ideal birth she envisioned, the second was a bit harder to handle it seems since she had all these expectations of what and how she wanted it to be the second time around. She’s very much immersed into the whole motherhood and body thing where she’s all about being in tune with her body during her whole pregnancy and is very into the whole natural birthing wonder of the human body. Her baby had some difficulty after birth and had to spend a few weeks in the NICU. I know she’s probably just venting on Facebook, a space where she’s surrounded by friends and family and a wonderful support group, but as an acquaintance who also went through some difficulty after birth, it’s a tad frustrating to read through these comments of what she thought things would be like and how they are supposed to be and how disappointed and frustrated she is with reality. Like, we get it. You can’t spend the time you want with your older son in this beautiful weather because your little one is taking up so much of your time. I get what it’s like to be cooped up at home and not get some fresh air because you’re just busy with a baby whose sole mission in its little life so far is to make you miserable and hate yourself with inconsolable crying. I get that life was difficult and disappointing and nothing like you imagined it when your baby was in the NICU and whisked away from you after birth. BUT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. I think I’m more sensitive to her postings because I went through it too, but never venting about it on Facebook and only a few close people know about Shane and his struggles. I think I’m just annoyed because I feel as though she has all these expectations about how motherhood should be – the adorable hours of intoxicating baby smells and cuddles, the dreamy closeness you get when you’re breastfeeding, and the magical feeling you get when you’re baby wearing and able to function in public with the use of both your hands. BUT THESE ARE NOT EVEN REAL EXPECTATIONS. THESE ARE EXPECTATIONS CULTIVATED BY THE MEDIA AND SOCIETY. YOU AREN’T DOING ANYTHING WRONG IF YOU’RE SPENDING DAYS AT HOME WITHOUT SHOWERING BECAUSE YOUR BABY WON’T STOP CRYING FOR LONGER THAN 10 MINUTES IN STRETCHES OF HOURS. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MISS OUT ON BONDING MOMENTS IF YOU DON’T BREASTFEED. YOU DON’T NEED TO FEEL LIKE SHIT IF YOU PUT YOUR OLDER CHILD UP IN FRONT OF A TV WHEN YOU’RE CARING FOR A BABY OR IF YOUR CHILD FALLS IN THE PLAYGROUND AND YOU’RE NOT THERE IN TWO SECONDS TO PICK HIM UP BECAUSE YOUR HANDS ARE FULL WITH ANOTHER BABY. YOU’RE NOT A FAILURE BECAUSE OF ANY OF THIS. WE’RE ALL JUST SURVIVING. WE’RE ALL JUST TRYING TO GET AS MUCH SLEEP AS WE CAN WHILE WE TRY TO FIND OURSELVES IN THIS NEW ROLE AS A MOTHER (OF MULTIPLES). WE’RE ALL TRYING TO FIND A SWEET SPOT WHERE WE TEETER ON THE BRINK OF HAPPINESS/SANITY AND COMPLETE, UTTER MADNESS.

I’m just tired. And annoyed.
All I really have to do isĀ UNFOLLOW.

I am actually really happy for her. She has a wonderful social media following and feels comfortable enough to share all her worries on her page. Some days I wish I had that. Others, I am just grateful for the support system I have now.

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$10.07

Today, I spent $10.07 on bubble tea. We’re really beginning a monetary cleanse. This is going to be tough. Money management is not our best trait.

Shane has a super bad diaper rash today. He’s been screaming when I wipe his butt. Seriously heartbreaking. Baby Dom is doing just fine – moseying about his usual difficult self.

I’m at another crossroads in life. I’m failing 3/5 of my classes. I’m not doing well. Halfway through the semester, Baby Dom switched from his swing to our bed. Ever since that time, it’s been difficult to keep updated and stay focused on school. I’ve been exhausted, sleep deprived, constantly struggling to keep up with a toddler and an infant, trying to keep up with household chores, and trying to keep hubby happy and in line. Failed my classes. FailingĀ at being a wife. Failing at being a daughter. Failing at being a mother. Failing at being a CFO of this family. Failing at being the CEO of this family. I’m just so darn tired. Like all the time. Like, why. How do others do this? I know that this is possible – to go to school, to be a mother, to be a daughter, to manage the family’s finances, and have a clean house. So why am I struggling with this so much? Is it because some women have men who help out more? Is it because these women have a stronger will than I? Is it because I’m just weaker than most? Why can’t I seem to get my shit together? It’s been 18 months since I first became a mother. Shane’s not gaining weight. I still can’t get good grades in school. I can’t keep a clean house. I can’t seem to put dinner on the table most nights. Am I just lazy? Am I just an awful person? Am I that selfish that I can’t take care of myself AND the family? I see all these friends around me who are just beginning their lives – getting engaged, getting married, buying homes, going on honeymoons, graduating schools, and even advancing in their careers. Here I am, in the dark, venting away on a blog site about my woes and failing all of my classes and being broke and feeling like a failure. I’m just so.. depressed. I see my mommy friends who are in love with their lives whether they are a working mother or a stay-at-home mom. Why can’t I have that same love towards my babies? I’m just resenting my life and trying to make the best of it, but hating myself and who I am. I have to find my identity outside of school, outside of the babies. Who am i? A mother, a sister, a wife, a daughter, a student, a money manager? Why do I suck at everything? Taking a few semesters off is probably a great thing for me. But it makes me feel like such a failure. Taking some time to do nothing but put focus towards the babies are probably the best things for me to do right now. So why do I feel like I’m losing myself to this thing called motherhood? I suck. I suck so hard. I would really like to seek professional help, but we’re having insurance issues. Insurance issues and coverage are huge factors in receiving this care. Mental health assistance in this country is so tough. Even for those who are seeking help.

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