Marriage

Bad Decisions

I am literally making bad decisions every night. Rather than buckling down and reading these library books, I’m sitting here watching Elementary and doing some Sudoku. I should be.. packing lunch, meal planning, reading library books or any books in general, sleeping or at least winding down to nap before baby wakes up, making a schedule, life planning, etc, etc..

I wish I had better self-control. And self-discipline. I guess I’ll just add that to the to-do list for this month.

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Marriage

Mid-afternoon bubble tea thoughts 

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how the hubs needs to take a step up and take more responsibilities around the house and with the kids. But maybe I’m the one who needs to take a step forward and do more. Instead of wishing he could spend more time with us, maybe I should try to make sure kids don’t forget his existence and actually anticipate his daily evening return.  Instead of wishing he set aside more time for us time, maybe I should take that time to spend working on my relationship with Him. Instead of demanding him to help everyday, maybe I should.. no. I’m going to keep demanding he help out everyday for dinner since it’s literally the only time of each day we can spend as a family even if half the time it’s watching Dominic and making sure he’s limiting his mess to his table area. Sorry, babe. Maybe I’ve been expecting too much of others when I’ve been slacking in the expectations I have for myself. I can do better. 

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family, motherhood, parenthood

Fickle, My Heart

The songs I loved yesterday no longer bring me that same spark of excitement.

I wonder why my mood changes so drastically. I could blame it on the hormones. I could blame it on the exhaustion. I could blame it on the kids. I could blame it on the stress of living with my parents. I could even blame it on the overwhelming amount of stimuli I am surrounded by on a daily basis.

But I think there may be something a tad bit unbalanced within me. It’s the same imbalance that takes me to the highest of elation tops but also drags me down to the darkest of those murky depths.

Or it’s the dehydration from all the coffee I’ve been chugging.
Who knows?
All I know is that I feel a little off.
And I may have been feeling a bit off for a little while now and I keep thinking it’ll get back to normal.. until I realize I don’t recognize what my “normal” is anymore.
Hashtag “MomLife”?
Hashtag “WhatIsMyNormal”
Hashtag “WTFAmIDoingWithMyself”

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motherhood

Facebook-less

I was finally able to deactivate Facebook!

I really feel like I need to unplug for a bit. The only negative is that I am just finding out that a lot of my applications are linked through my Facebook account. Goodbye, Candy Crush! I deactivated it only for the week, but there’s no point having it clutter up my phone any more. Maybe once it’s out of sight, it’ll get out of my mind!

I still absentmindedly find myself typing in “F-A-C-” into my browser, but I’m trying to be a bit more.. unplugged. I feel as though I’m constantly on an electronic device for work that when I use my phone or the computer for fun, it takes even more time away from my kids. I really do want to be better. I’m going to start making conscious decisions that force me to take steps towards my goal of being a better me. After I drink this chocolate peanut butter banana milkshake as my dinner for tonight.

I’ve been going crazy, I don’t want to waste another minute here.

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Marriage

Is this what dreams are made of?

I haven’t seriously looked at school programs for a while.

It’s a little scary – that realization. It’s like I’ve put my entire life on hold for this family. I feel like I’m losing myself. But maybe this is how I find myself. Maybe this is who I’m meant to be – a-constantly-struggling-to-keep-my-head-above-the-waters-of-poop-and-screams-of-toddlers-mother.

Also. Here I am. 1144pm at night. Finished with work. Eating a cookie. Drinking room temperature water from a Taco Bell drink cup. Not sleeping. Not reading one of the two library books I actually wanted to read at the time. Not making this bedroom more baby proof. I’m watching The Mindy Project and munching. And writing this mini-rant.

I think I’m changing my views on who I want to become and that scares me a little bit. I want to become a better mother. A better role model. A better person. I’ve never had the will power to stick with something long enough for me to actually feel accomplished. I want to feel like I did something worthwhile. I want to be proud of myself.

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family, Marriage, parenthood, Religious

The Daily Mudslide

I actually made a list of things to do and things I’d like to keep up with – devotions, work, working out, and packing Nick’s lunch. The only thing I actually kept up with was work. I did devotions for a good 8 day streak and failed miserably after the holiday. I worked out once within the entire two weeks I tracked myself. I also packed lunch for the hubby once during the tracking period. Granted he didn’t work three times out of the two weeks – one was a holiday and the other was a Sunday.

I just feel like I’m climbing a muddy hill. Every time I feel like I’m getting a grip, I slip. Every time I feel like I’m doing okay, I slide right back down, and I struggle to get a handle on things to get back on track.

I even had a few motivation post-its on my little tracking sheet, but that didn’t really help. I wish I had a partner that I could share this with; that I could work through this with. Someone who would push me. Someone who would motivate me.

I know I should turn to God in this time when I feel like I’m alone, but it’s definitely tough when you’re surrounded by people and you feel like you should be feeling supported and motivated and loved through them but come up empty. My last devotions was actually about turning to God when you felt alone or when you’re feeling like your cup is empty. “[Look to Him to fill your cup when you are feeling empty]” – total paraphrasing.

I just need to keep going.

Take the pressure off yourself to do everything and be everything. YOU ARE ENOUGH. 

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Marriage, Religious

Rhythm and Rhyme

“You must never feel badly about making mistakes … as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.”

Some days I forget to count my blessings amidst the chaos and frustrations.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of friends. Thank you for the blessing of good health. Thank you for the blessing of love you have surrounded us with. Thank you for the full bellies. Thank you for hot water and warm house.

I need to remember to give more thanks and count my blessings than giving into the anger and frustrations of the world. With the amount of blessings I have, it shouldn’t be so difficult to remember to thank Him for them.

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