How can you tell if you are just stuck in a rut of life or if you’re just allowing yourself to rot in toxic environment?
Everyone hates their job. Everyone gets yelled at. Everyone gets cursed out. Everyone wants to not be doing what they’re doing at one point or another in their jobs. But when does it become something you actually have to move on from? When does it become more detrimental than just something that can be tolerated? “When it begins crossing over into your personal life”, some may say. But what if it was like that way to begin with and it was just the nature of the type of job it is? Working from home should not equal being on call 24/7, but this job is. This field is nonstop and every changing. And I have to conscious of that. Except nobody told me that when I signed up for this. I just got tacked on with more and more responsibilities.. which is apparently the norm of the jobs I think. But when I get cursed out and yelled at by every employee we have every single day and butt heads with my coworker? I feel like it has crossed over into a toxic environment. My boss is not much of a boss, and I am not much of an employee. Nobody knows their roles which equals too many hands in the pot when it comes to problem solving. Too many people blaming each other. Too many people throwing their hands up and becoming frustrated at the situation and redirecting their anger towards each other.
I am miserable. From my whole living situation to my job. I am upset with allowing myself to feel marginalized by others. I feel idiotic to be in a place where I feel useless and worthless. Maybe this is just a mom thing and every other mother goes through this train of thought at one point or another. But why do I feel like not wanting to repeat this day after day? Is that also a mom thing? Is this a postpartum thing? I feel like everyone would just be so much better off without my idiotic butt in the mix. I feel like if I were just able to get out of everyone’s way their lives would be much, much lighter.
I’m gaining so much weight. I’m a failure as a student. I’m a failure as a wife. I’m a failure as a mother. I’m a failure as a daughter. I’m a failure as a sister. I’m a failure as an employee. I’m a failure as a Christian. I just want a win somewhere.
I think I read somewhere that the best place to go to Him is when you’re at your lowest and darkest. He is the Light and the Way. I remember someone from church stating that in the midst of a confusing time, she spent more time with God. She had more one on one time with Him rather than worrying about the other things in her life, and surprisingly things started happening. She got a great new job and she was happier than she was in months. Maybe I just haven’t hit that deep dark yet, but, man, it’s pretty dark where I am. I think I just don’t know where to start, and I don’t have much of a support system emotionally. Maybe I just need to make that baby step on my own. Maybe this is my solo dive into myself since I never really did that in the past. Maybe this is where I get to know who I am.