motherhood, parenthood

Better Days

Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days.

Fitbit says I slept 4.45 hours, but I felt refreshed..-ish. We woke up a little later than normal and had the house to ourselves this morning. I wrote bills. I put said bills in the outgoing mailbox. I was able to spend some alone time with Shane reading some books with him. I was able to do take care of some work. Dinner went relatively smoothly with the help of the hubs. Bath. Bedtime went relatively quickly due to their awfully short nap this afternoon. I was able to get some last minute work done prior to 9pm. Thinking about heading out to Giant to make a tapioca pudding run.. but perhaps I’ll forgo that and polish off this half-drunken, day-old bubble tea just binge Rizzoli and Isles on Hulu.

It’s only 912pm! The limits of what I can do are endless! Until the youngest baby wakes up. In about an hour probably. So I will make a run to Giant to get tapioca pudding so I can binge on both snacks and Hulu after I finish my work report.

#wfhmlife #sahmlife

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Marriage, Religious

Rhythm and Rhyme

“You must never feel badly about making mistakes … as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.”

Some days I forget to count my blessings amidst the chaos and frustrations.

Thank you, Lord, for the blessing of friends. Thank you for the blessing of good health. Thank you for the blessing of love you have surrounded us with. Thank you for the full bellies. Thank you for hot water and warm house.

I need to remember to give more thanks and count my blessings than giving into the anger and frustrations of the world. With the amount of blessings I have, it shouldn’t be so difficult to remember to thank Him for them.

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family, parenthood

Expectations VS Reality

I’m following someone from my past who just recently had a baby. She had a difficult birth and since her first wasn’t the ideal birth she envisioned, the second was a bit harder to handle it seems since she had all these expectations of what and how she wanted it to be the second time around. She’s very much immersed into the whole motherhood and body thing where she’s all about being in tune with her body during her whole pregnancy and is very into the whole natural birthing wonder of the human body. Her baby had some difficulty after birth and had to spend a few weeks in the NICU. I know she’s probably just venting on Facebook, a space where she’s surrounded by friends and family and a wonderful support group, but as an acquaintance who also went through some difficulty after birth, it’s a tad frustrating to read through these comments of what she thought things would be like and how they are supposed to be and how disappointed and frustrated she is with reality. Like, we get it. You can’t spend the time you want with your older son in this beautiful weather because your little one is taking up so much of your time. I get what it’s like to be cooped up at home and not get some fresh air because you’re just busy with a baby whose sole mission in its little life so far is to make you miserable and hate yourself with inconsolable crying. I get that life was difficult and disappointing and nothing like you imagined it when your baby was in the NICU and whisked away from you after birth. BUT YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. I think I’m more sensitive to her postings because I went through it too, but never venting about it on Facebook and only a few close people know about Shane and his struggles. I think I’m just annoyed because I feel as though she has all these expectations about how motherhood should be – the adorable hours of intoxicating baby smells and cuddles, the dreamy closeness you get when you’re breastfeeding, and the magical feeling you get when you’re baby wearing and able to function in public with the use of both your hands. BUT THESE ARE NOT EVEN REAL EXPECTATIONS. THESE ARE EXPECTATIONS CULTIVATED BY THE MEDIA AND SOCIETY. YOU AREN’T DOING ANYTHING WRONG IF YOU’RE SPENDING DAYS AT HOME WITHOUT SHOWERING BECAUSE YOUR BABY WON’T STOP CRYING FOR LONGER THAN 10 MINUTES IN STRETCHES OF HOURS. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MISS OUT ON BONDING MOMENTS IF YOU DON’T BREASTFEED. YOU DON’T NEED TO FEEL LIKE SHIT IF YOU PUT YOUR OLDER CHILD UP IN FRONT OF A TV WHEN YOU’RE CARING FOR A BABY OR IF YOUR CHILD FALLS IN THE PLAYGROUND AND YOU’RE NOT THERE IN TWO SECONDS TO PICK HIM UP BECAUSE YOUR HANDS ARE FULL WITH ANOTHER BABY. YOU’RE NOT A FAILURE BECAUSE OF ANY OF THIS. WE’RE ALL JUST SURVIVING. WE’RE ALL JUST TRYING TO GET AS MUCH SLEEP AS WE CAN WHILE WE TRY TO FIND OURSELVES IN THIS NEW ROLE AS A MOTHER (OF MULTIPLES). WE’RE ALL TRYING TO FIND A SWEET SPOT WHERE WE TEETER ON THE BRINK OF HAPPINESS/SANITY AND COMPLETE, UTTER MADNESS.

I’m just tired. And annoyed.
All I really have to do is UNFOLLOW.

I am actually really happy for her. She has a wonderful social media following and feels comfortable enough to share all her worries on her page. Some days I wish I had that. Others, I am just grateful for the support system I have now.

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Marriage

This Is For Real

I’ve got emotion, dripping out my pores, and I thought I would let you know

This song always takes me back to when I was a freshman in college sitting in the laundry room with some dude who was also doing laundry at 2am. We would meet every week or so in the wee hours of the morning as we were both night owls at the time. We were exchanging emo/alternative music selections, discussing the endless possibilities we had for our futures. We would philosophize. We would laugh. We would banter. Ah, the simpler days.

Some days I wish the days were simpler like before. Some days I wish all I had to do was fend for myself, think for myself, and plan only for myself. But when I think about the person I was then and the person I am now, everything makes sense. I couldn’t have possible become this (though it may not seem it to you) strong, moderately confident and optimistic, sometimes hopeful person I am today if I didn’t go through the trials and experiences I had then. I could not have become this person if I didn’t struggle through my insecurities. If I never went through the self hatred and the depression, I could never had realized the depths of love I was capable of. Without the ridiculously overwhelming self awareness, almost crippling fear of being in public spaces, and conversing with others, I would never have found this new self awareness of not giving a crap.

But some days I do wish I could go and stay in a hole at home. Some days I just really do not care to converse with others whether those “others” be friends or randos. Other days, I crave human interaction so badly that I’m willing to make a day trip out to the mall or Target. This balancing act is stupid hard. I think life just really changes so drastically as a parent. It just gets harder and harder to keep up with life outside of kids. And I know there’s a whole “Make sure you’re taking a little me time” or “Make sure you’re having regular date nights with the hubby without kids so you keep your marriage okay” or whatnot. But.. honestly, I think we’ve been without the kids a total of five times since Dominic has been born. And that was to attend weddings and a few mini trips out for errands. I don’t mind having babies with us when we’re out. Definitely much harder, but I don’t mind it. I spend enough time with the hubby at night before bed. I force him to spend time with us on his precious weekends off. I think I have enough of him for now. I think we’re doing okay. For now. I feel like I’m finally filling into my role as a parent. I think we’ve gotten a little bit of a (very loosely stated) routine down in regards to our schedules. I’m finally in a bit of a better mental state. I think I’m at an age where I’m finally owning up to what I want to do versus what I need to be doing.

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family

Supernatural!

Season 11 is on Netflix!

I was an exhausted, frustrated mother and wife today. Hubby told me he needed to be on early today and I still snapped at him. Baby Dom is getting over a cold. Baby Shane is getting a cold. Both are ridiculously needy and want to be held. I’m just tired of being a climbing gym and constantly watching these babies all day from 8am to 1am. The latter part of this week has been a nightmare in terms of Dom’s sleeping patterns.

I want to be a better mother this year. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better daughter. I am going to keep my official resolutions list relatively quiet since this year I’m surrendering. All my plans are futile. All my planning is futile. The only plan that matters is what He has planned for me. And I rejoice in His way. I feel like I am too much a part of this world. I want to empty myself and be a vessel for joy and love. His joy and love. We’ll see how this goes.

In the meantime, let me watch some Supernatural in the few precious minutes baby Dom is sleeping and shove a mini pizza down my throat while I sip Coke out of a wine glass. Hashtag – #Classy.

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Uncategorized

Hallelujah

Praise the Lord!

Sometimes I forget to take time out of the day and thank God for everything.

So.. here is a public thank you.
Thank you for the roof over my head.
Thank you for the extra money for the Taco Bell we indulged in today.
Thank you for the endless support and love our family doles out for us.
Thank you for our daily breath.
Thank you for the food in our pantry.
Thank you for the clothes on our backs.
Thank you for our Internet and TV.
Thank you for Netflix.
Thank you for the wonderful blessings of the hubby’s job.
Thank you for our friends.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for hope.

We trust you with our lives.
We love you for the guidance and patience you provide to us.
We pray that you continue to watch over us and be patient with us as we struggle with the temptations of the world.

He makes me want to be a better human. He makes me want to be the person He made me to be.

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Marriage

American Housewife

Hubby and I have been attempting to do devotions before bed every night to regroup and recharge our spiritual walk together. It has definitely been difficult, especially on nights when we’re both exhausted from long days. We’re attempting the “Refresh Your Marriage in 31 Days” plan from the Bible app.

Last night’s devotions stuck with me a little bit.
“In the beginning of marriage, a partner can do no wrong. If he comes home too late for dinner, she thinks: “Poor guy, I’m sure he’s stuck in traffic” or “I’m sure he has to work longer. Mean boss!”. When he finally comes home, she falls into his arms longingly, no matter how late it is. But after a few years of marriage, a different wind blows. She gets annoyed because the roast has become cold again or because the children are hungry and are having a sword fight using their forks. “He could have at least called. He is always only thinking of himself!”

The funny thing is the accompanying verse to this devotional was:
Ecclesiastes 9:9
“Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toll.”

I laughed a little when I told my hubby that I was his reward for all his earthly tolls. I don’t think he ever thought his reward would come with such a nagging soul and such severe mood swings. I think I forget sometimes that he works so hard at his job all day and has our best interests at heart. In the chaos of prying babies off each other, feeling useless at home, and being jealous of him for being out all day, I forget that he is the man of the house and that he takes care of us. Though he has difficulty changing poopy diapers and putting the babies to sleep, he does provide. He does worry. I think in moments of frustrations and anger, I just need to remind myself that I expect a lot of others, especially those who are close to me, and that I need to remember that I am strong and can get through things by myself, too. I feel like sometimes I rely or expect the help from others too much and I contribute a little more to the feeling of being helpless and useless in doing so. I just need to remember that I am strong and if my hubby can go out and work hard for us every day, I can work hard and tend to the house and babies every day as well. I feel like I’m definitely setting myself up to be a housewife from the twenties, but I think it’s just the place I am in my life right now. I just need to accept being home and taking care of babies for a while. Maybe this is what God has planned for me right now. Maybe this is the path I need to be on for a little while before I am able to focus on myself and further my plans. Maybe He’s reminding me that His plans supersede whatever plans I have for myself, and this is my path of getting back on track to His plan for me. Either way, I am praying for patience and guidance. I am praying that in moments of rage and frustrations, I am reminded of the love and grace that I am surrounded with.

I want to be the reward. I want to be worthy to be called a reward.

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