family, Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

Bubbling Lakes of Hatred

Some days I am just filled with anger. Just completely filled with frustration and hatred over my whole life.

It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my husband gets to have his down time every single fucking night for a few hours every night. Sure, he says it’s not so much down time as it is trying to advance in his gaming, but let’s all be real about this – it’s fucking down time. It’s not fair he gets to spend all day with adults. And talk to them like adults. Well, most of them anyway. I found myself talking to a how-to guide representative for this new website we’re utilizing soon at work. I found myself like really talking to this guy for over 30min. Am I really craving social interaction that much?! I would rather deal with upset customers all day rather than try to figure out why these children try to up each other in misbehavior and testing limits. It’s not fair that I have to deal with my parents and their snide remarks over little things in my life every single day. It’s not fair that I have to try to keep the peace between my parents and my sister. It’s not fair that I have to sacrifice my life and put my life on hold for the next few years and past few years just because we have kids and I don’t make as much as my husband. It’s not fair that we can’t come to some compromise of duties of the household. It’s not fair that I basically do everything. (But not really.) It’s not fair that I worry. All the time. About everything. About everyone. It’s not fair that my meals get interrupted 473829473892 times before the kids are actually completed. It’s not fair that I have to repeat myself over and over and over again to my dad who doesn’t seem to be able to retain any information. It’s not fair that I have to remember everything. Why do I feel like I’m the only competent person at work? It’s not fair that I’m constantly cleaning up after my coworker’s mishaps. It’s not fair. 

I know all these grievances aren’t actually real, but in the midst of all the frustration and negativity, those are the words ringing in my head – IT’S NOT FAIR. I know it’s not really things are can control. And I know a lot are decisions we came to mutually and that these situations are not really something I can change due to the place we are currently in life. But I just get so frustrated and so angry sometimes. At myself. At everyone. At everything. I just want to run away. Sometimes I want to be that irresponsible, crazy mom who just leaves to create a terrible mark on her child’s memory of childhood as the mom who ran away to “find herself”.

But I don’t.

I’m still here.

I guess that’s still something, right?

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family, motherhood, parenthood

Blessed Beyond Words

I know. I know I’m blessed more than so many. I have so much. I have nothing to complain about. Roof over my head. Food, so much food, in my belly. Sight. Hearing. Taste. I am in relatively good medical standing. We have clothes for every season. We have shoes for every season. We have pets. We have money to feed the pets and money to use for entertainment. Yes, we have debt, but we also have flexibility. There is so much I need to be thankful for. Sometimes I forget. Actually, I forget all the damn time. I get so busy caught up yelling at the kids out of either fear or exhaustion and I forget there are so many out there who would give anything for the chaos I dread facing every day. There are people struggling to find shelter out there while I settle comfortably under my parents’ home. There are people out there who worry on a meal-to-meal basis on what they’re going to eat while I mosey about the house with a plethora of food to choose from. There are those who tolerate unfitting shoes while we have a closet full of them. I am blessed. Blessed beyond all imagination. And yet here I am still hating my life, complaining about every little thing. Privileged. I am so privileged. I want to be more. I want to do more. I want to help more. Sometimes it hits me; how much I have. And I feel so guilty. Guilty that I have so much and there are those who have such little and are still going strong. I am so.. useless sitting around putzing around feeling terrible about myself and my life when it’s nothing compared to others. I wish I could get my heart working again. I wish I could get my brain working again. I think they’ve both shut down and are in critical survival mode while I’m still trying to get used to this whole role change and identity loss.

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motherhood, Religious

Cycle Of Life?

How can you tell if you are just stuck in a rut of life or if you’re just allowing yourself to rot in toxic environment?

Everyone hates their job. Everyone gets yelled at. Everyone gets cursed out. Everyone wants to not be doing what they’re doing at one point or another in their jobs. But when does it become something you actually have to move on from? When does it become more detrimental than just something that can be tolerated? “When it begins crossing over into your personal life”, some may say.  But what if it was like that way to begin with and it was just the nature of the type of job it is? Working from home should not equal being on call 24/7, but this job is. This field is nonstop and every changing. And I have to conscious of that. Except nobody told me that when I signed up for this. I just got tacked on with more and more responsibilities.. which is apparently the norm of the jobs I think. But when I get cursed out and yelled at by every employee we have every single day and butt heads with my coworker? I feel like it has crossed over into a toxic environment. My boss is not much of a boss, and I am not much of an employee. Nobody knows their roles which equals too many hands in the pot when it comes to problem solving. Too many people blaming each other. Too many people throwing their hands up and becoming frustrated at the situation and redirecting their anger towards each other.

I am miserable. From my whole living situation to my job. I am upset with allowing myself to feel marginalized by others. I feel idiotic to be in a place where I feel useless and worthless. Maybe this is just a mom thing and every other mother goes through this train of thought at one point or another. But why do I feel like not wanting to repeat this day after day? Is that also a mom thing? Is this a postpartum thing? I feel like everyone would just be so much better off without my idiotic butt in the mix. I feel like if I were just able to get out of everyone’s way their lives would be much, much lighter.

I’m gaining so much weight. I’m a failure as a student. I’m a failure as a wife. I’m a failure as a mother. I’m a failure as a daughter. I’m a failure as a sister. I’m a failure as an employee. I’m a failure as a Christian. I just want a win somewhere.

I think I read somewhere that the best place to go to Him is when you’re at your lowest and darkest. He is the Light and the Way. I remember someone from church stating that in the midst of a confusing time, she spent more time with God. She had more one on one time with Him rather than worrying about the other things in her life, and surprisingly things started happening. She got a great new job and she was happier than she was in months. Maybe I just haven’t hit that deep dark yet, but, man, it’s pretty dark where I am. I think I just don’t know where to start, and I don’t have much of a support system emotionally. Maybe I just need to make that baby step on my own. Maybe this is my solo dive into myself since I never really did that in the past. Maybe this is where I get to know who I am.

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Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

Trust Fully, Abandon Self

“As we call out to dry bones.. come alive, come alive. We call out to dead hearts.. come alive, come alive” 

I just feel.. stuck. For the next few years, I just have to stay in the same position I’m in now. Home. Working from home. Handing parenting to a special needs kid, an incredibly strong willed child, a husband, 2 Asian parents, and a younger sister. I’m overwhelmed. I’m constantly overwhelmed. I feel like I’m just barely keeping my head over the water. I keep going under, but I keep coming back up. I know that should be an accomplishment in itself, but it just feels… like something I should do. I don’t really have much of a choice. I kind of have to keep.. trudging on I suppose? I just want to feel useful. And I feel like I’m not useful to anyone when I’m home and constantly stressed and snapping at everyone.

I know I should trust. Trust that God has a plan. He will provide. He always provides. I trust.

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Marriage

Joy

“don’t seem to find the rhythm, just wanna sing the blues… gotta get that fire, fire, back in my bones before my heart, heart, turns into stone”  – for KING & COUNTRY – joy.

I’ve been really hung up on this song recently. It conveys it just so.. accurately. Most days I think I’m just becoming so numb to the world, to myself. I just don’t really feel anymore but also feel so much at the same time. Maybe I’m attempting to suppress things and I’m just a boiling pot with bubbles of feelings overflowing every few days that manifest in fits of uncontrollable crying. I don’t know. I’m not sure about anything. Not sure if I ever was sure of anything, but I’m definitely not sure about anything anymore. I can’t get my thoughts straight. Ever. All I ever hear is constant din. Forever just constant din of screaming and demands from everyone.  So many demands. So many people. So many things to keep a track of. I’m in no way on top of things. Not even close. I want to be more.. love. I’m running on empty and I need to be refilled.

My prayer for the night –

Dear God,
Help me find my way back to You. Give me the strength to take those baby steps back towards You. I can do this. You’ve guided me this far. You wouldn’t have me fail here if you’ve brought me this far. I trust You and Your plans for me. I trust that You have something in store for me.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

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Marriage

“I Just Need A Damn Win”

I always forget how relevant Supernatural is to my life. Not the whole demon, end-of-days, good versus evil thing, but the whole faith and trust theme.

First deal to the house didn’t go through. Second showing of the house is coming up. I have to start praying again. I feel so disconnected with.. everything. I just feel lost all the time. I feel overwhelmed all the time. I’m so tired. I’m tired emotionally and physically. I’ve been falling asleep while putting Dominic to bed at least 3 times a week. This means I haven’t been able to get work done in the evening. Links aren’t sent on time. Working parents have it stupid hard. It’s insane. I’m sure it’ll get better in time. I just need to find a place or thing I can do to find peace. Some semblance of a root in my life.

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Marriage

Simple

I hung up on my coworker today. We’re prepping our house to be on the market. We had someone come at 6pm tonight to take a look at the house. We didn’t have anything cleaned. We didn’t anticipate anyone wanting to see the house for a while, but here someone was. Wanting to come see the house the day our agent put it on the market. We were busy prepping the house. And work hits me like a Mack truck.

This girl. I mean, this girl is just.. difficult. I even spoke directly to my boss and told him I needed to take a step back to focus on other things. I couldn’t make calls unless they were emergencies. I couldn’t be chained to the computer. I couldn’t look things up at the drop of a hat when they needed me. I couldn’t do a lot of things due to shifts in my schedule, I told him. I even told my coworker that I was busy and I was mainly handling the paperwork and putting the customers on the schedule. I could call corporate offices for any additional paperwork or any emergency issues that need to be handled, but in regards to the daily small things, I would not be able to help much due to my shifts in summer schedule. But does that deter her from calling me every hour? Then she has the sheer idiocy to yell at me about an update I’m giving her? No. I’m done. I’m done being pulled 10 different ways. Work will be getting my last appointment. No help anymore unless I have the time. I will do what I need to do, and I’m sure she can handle what she needs to. She makes it sound like she’s never worked a customer service job in her life. It’s just the nature of a customer service job. It’s in its nature to be yelled at constantly all day. It’s in its nature to feel overworked and frustrated all the time. I did it. I handled it when I was in your position. I didn’t even complain much to anyone (not that I really had anyone to complain to) about the absolute incompetency I had to handle. So I’m done. Rather than quitting, I will do what I need to do. And she can figure out what she needs to do.

Sigh.. let’s see how long this resolution lasts. They say the fifth time is the charm.

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