Some days I am just filled with anger. Just completely filled with frustration and hatred over my whole life.
It’s not fair. It’s not fair that my husband gets to have his down time every single fucking night for a few hours every night. Sure, he says it’s not so much down time as it is trying to advance in his gaming, but let’s all be real about this – it’s fucking down time. It’s not fair he gets to spend all day with adults. And talk to them like adults. Well, most of them anyway. I found myself talking to a how-to guide representative for this new website we’re utilizing soon at work. I found myself like really talking to this guy for over 30min. Am I really craving social interaction that much?! I would rather deal with upset customers all day rather than try to figure out why these children try to up each other in misbehavior and testing limits. It’s not fair that I have to deal with my parents and their snide remarks over little things in my life every single day. It’s not fair that I have to try to keep the peace between my parents and my sister. It’s not fair that I have to sacrifice my life and put my life on hold for the next few years and past few years just because we have kids and I don’t make as much as my husband. It’s not fair that we can’t come to some compromise of duties of the household. It’s not fair that I basically do everything. (But not really.) It’s not fair that I worry. All the time. About everything. About everyone. It’s not fair that my meals get interrupted 473829473892 times before the kids are actually completed. It’s not fair that I have to repeat myself over and over and over again to my dad who doesn’t seem to be able to retain any information. It’s not fair that I have to remember everything. Why do I feel like I’m the only competent person at work? It’s not fair that I’m constantly cleaning up after my coworker’s mishaps. It’s not fair.
I know all these grievances aren’t actually real, but in the midst of all the frustration and negativity, those are the words ringing in my head – IT’S NOT FAIR. I know it’s not really things are can control. And I know a lot are decisions we came to mutually and that these situations are not really something I can change due to the place we are currently in life. But I just get so frustrated and so angry sometimes. At myself. At everyone. At everything. I just want to run away. Sometimes I want to be that irresponsible, crazy mom who just leaves to create a terrible mark on her child’s memory of childhood as the mom who ran away to “find herself”.
But I don’t.
I’m still here.
I guess that’s still something, right?