I had the most interesting dream the other night. Double dating with an ex and his current significant other. It may have been due to the news about the Gazette shootings and his position in law enforcement and his home roots near Annapolis. It was just very.. interesting to say the least. And quite grown up, if I say so myself. Very evolved and mature in regards to the whole plot line of it all I suppose.
I don’t think I ever thought I would’ve been here at age 28 going on 29. Here at home with 2 kids. A stay at home mom. Working a meaningless scheduling job where every day mixes in a new batch of hell into my day. In the living room of my parents’ place. With a sick baby on the couch and a husband on the computer. I’ve been contemplating the meaning of my life recently. And I know all the cliches of.. “God has a plan for you” and the “Children are your life now”. I get it. Just wait. I’ll get my chance to find out who and what I am later on when I have the time. Are all mothers resigned as statuses of “mothers” once they become one? Is that their primary and only objective? Is there every going to be more to my life than being a mother?
I think I’m still feeling a little lost. Always feeling lost and lonely. Isn’t that sad? Surrounded by people – or little ones – a majority of the time whether it be by texts or in person and I still feel endlessly lonely. I live in a house with so many people yet I feel so unsupported.
I just want to write. I want to read again. I want to get lost in the realms of fantasy again. I want to feel like a person. I want to know myself.
I have a strong urge to just get away and just write my heart out for a weekend. Think I can convince the hubs to watch the kids for a weekend?