Marriage

“I Just Need A Damn Win”

I always forget how relevant Supernatural is to my life. Not the whole demon, end-of-days, good versus evil thing, but the whole faith and trust theme.

First deal to the house didn’t go through. Second showing of the house is coming up. I have to start praying again. I feel so disconnected with.. everything. I just feel lost all the time. I feel overwhelmed all the time. I’m so tired. I’m tired emotionally and physically. I’ve been falling asleep while putting Dominic to bed at least 3 times a week. This means I haven’t been able to get work done in the evening. Links aren’t sent on time. Working parents have it stupid hard. It’s insane. I’m sure it’ll get better in time. I just need to find a place or thing I can do to find peace. Some semblance of a root in my life.

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Marriage

Simple

I hung up on my coworker today. We’re prepping our house to be on the market. We had someone come at 6pm tonight to take a look at the house. We didn’t have anything cleaned. We didn’t anticipate anyone wanting to see the house for a while, but here someone was. Wanting to come see the house the day our agent put it on the market. We were busy prepping the house. And work hits me like a Mack truck.

This girl. I mean, this girl is just.. difficult. I even spoke directly to my boss and told him I needed to take a step back to focus on other things. I couldn’t make calls unless they were emergencies. I couldn’t be chained to the computer. I couldn’t look things up at the drop of a hat when they needed me. I couldn’t do a lot of things due to shifts in my schedule, I told him. I even told my coworker that I was busy and I was mainly handling the paperwork and putting the customers on the schedule. I could call corporate offices for any additional paperwork or any emergency issues that need to be handled, but in regards to the daily small things, I would not be able to help much due to my shifts in summer schedule. But does that deter her from calling me every hour? Then she has the sheer idiocy to yell at me about an update I’m giving her? No. I’m done. I’m done being pulled 10 different ways. Work will be getting my last appointment. No help anymore unless I have the time. I will do what I need to do, and I’m sure she can handle what she needs to. She makes it sound like she’s never worked a customer service job in her life. It’s just the nature of a customer service job. It’s in its nature to be yelled at constantly all day. It’s in its nature to feel overworked and frustrated all the time. I did it. I handled it when I was in your position. I didn’t even complain much to anyone (not that I really had anyone to complain to) about the absolute incompetency I had to handle. So I’m done. Rather than quitting, I will do what I need to do. And she can figure out what she needs to do.

Sigh.. let’s see how long this resolution lasts. They say the fifth time is the charm.

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family, Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

Tequila

I had the most interesting dream the other night. Double dating with an ex and his current significant other. It may have been due to the news about the Gazette shootings and his position in law enforcement and his home roots near Annapolis. It was just very.. interesting to say the least. And quite grown up, if I say so myself. Very evolved and mature in regards to the whole plot line of it all I suppose.

I don’t think I ever thought I would’ve been here at age 28 going on 29. Here at home with 2 kids. A stay at home mom. Working a meaningless scheduling job where every day mixes in a new batch of hell into my day. In the living room of my parents’ place. With a sick baby on the couch and a husband on the computer. I’ve been contemplating the meaning of my life recently. And I know all the cliches of.. “God has a plan for you” and the “Children are your life now”. I get it. Just wait. I’ll get my chance to find out who and what I am later on when I have the time. Are all mothers resigned as statuses of “mothers” once they become one? Is that their primary and only objective? Is there every going to be more to my life than being a mother?

I think I’m still feeling a little lost. Always feeling lost and lonely. Isn’t that sad? Surrounded by people – or little ones – a majority of the time whether it be by texts or in person and I still feel endlessly lonely. I live in a house with so many people yet I feel so unsupported.

I just want to write. I want to read again. I want to get lost in the realms of fantasy again. I want to feel like a person. I want to know myself.

I have a strong urge to just get away and just write my heart out for a weekend. Think I can convince the hubs to watch the kids for a weekend?

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family, Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

Days In, Days Out

Days all feel the same.

Making sure kids don’t get hurt. Making sure they’re fed. Trying to make sure they’re getting sleep. Trying to find the middle ground between screaming at them and letting them become more independent. Trying to care about work enough to make sure shit gets done, but also make sure you’re not stressing about work too much to the point where it’s taking away from your ability to parent. Actually making sure you’re doing enough work to make sure you feel you’re actually earning that paycheck and you’re not doing too much that you don’t think your paycheck is enough. Making sure you’re doing something for your husband that makes him know you love him, but also making sure you don’t actually emasculate him or berate him with your words when you’re upset or frustrated. Making sure your husband actually feels like an equal partner in this parenting thing and life thing rather than just being in it for the ride. Making sure your parents are happy. Making sure you’re being respectful and not too big of a brat. Making sure your parents feel like they’re valued and know that they are loved and that we are grateful for everything, but also trying to mold your own identity as a parent, wife, and person. Making sure you’re keeping in touch with friends even though you never see them. Making sure you’re doing enough for your kids that you’re not messing them up psychologically or emotionally for life.

There’s just so much noise. So much noise in my head and I can’t sometimes. I can’t think. I can’t function. I can’t tune them all out. All the days are the same and blend in together.

“How are you?”

I have absolutely no fucking idea. 

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motherhood

More

I feel like I was need more.

More things. More time. More sleep. More space. More hands.

But maybe instead of constantly searching for more, I should spend more time with the things I do have. I need to be more content. More patient. More settled. More humble.

Always more.

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motherhood, parenthood

New Year Resolutions

Convincing myself that I can become a better person. Once again. For the upcoming year. Sigh..

Every year I make the same resolution – try to become a better person. Sleep more. Sleep better. Yell less. Meditate. Ground my soul. Exercise. Eat healthier. Become a better parent. Become someone I want to be proud of looking back on the year when the year’s end comes around.

Year 2017 accomplishments:
We are all still here and surviving through the hell of infant hood to toddler hood.
We have become a stronger family and are doing better in communicating with one another.
We are learning how to become better people every day for the sake of our sanity and our relationships with friends and family.

Resolution for the new year:
Survive.

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motherhood, parenthood, Religious

Bloggy Blogger

I really should begin writing again. I should really get back into venting to myself. I feel like it helped me clear my mind and get my thoughts a bit together.

I think things are just never what we think we want them to be. I feel like every time we feel like we’re getting our feet on relatively solid ground, we’re shifted again to wet sand. I’m just tired. Just so tired fighting it. Trying to fight for my way when clearly that’s not His plan. He has something greater in mind for us and I think I’m still having a hard time having faith and trust in that plan. I need to make my home a safe place again where my head is clear and I actually want to be there and have a place to recharge my mind and soul instead of being completely overrun with to-dos and clutter.

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