Marriage

This Is For Real

I’ve got emotion, dripping out my pores, and I thought I would let you know

This song always takes me back to when I was a freshman in college sitting in the laundry room with some dude who was also doing laundry at 2am. We would meet every week or so in the wee hours of the morning as we were both night owls at the time. We were exchanging emo/alternative music selections, discussing the endless possibilities we had for our futures. We would philosophize. We would laugh. We would banter. Ah, the simpler days.

Some days I wish the days were simpler like before. Some days I wish all I had to do was fend for myself, think for myself, and plan only for myself. But when I think about the person I was then and the person I am now, everything makes sense. I couldn’t have possible become this (though it may not seem it to you) strong, moderately confident and optimistic, sometimes hopeful person I am today if I didn’t go through the trials and experiences I had then. I could not have become this person if I didn’t struggle through my insecurities. If I never went through the self hatred and the depression, I could never had realized the depths of love I was capable of. Without the ridiculously overwhelming self awareness, almost crippling fear of being in public spaces, and conversing with others, I would never haveĀ found this new self awareness of not giving a crap.

But some days I do wish I could go and stay in a hole at home. Some days I just really do not care to converse with others whether those “others” be friends or randos. Other days, I crave human interaction so badly that I’m willing to make a day trip out to the mall or Target. This balancing act is stupid hard. I think life just really changes so drastically as a parent. It just gets harder and harder to keep up with life outside of kids. And I know there’s a whole “Make sure you’re taking a little me time” or “Make sure you’re having regular date nights with the hubby without kids so you keep your marriage okay” or whatnot. But.. honestly, I think we’ve been without the kids a total of five times since Dominic has been born. And that was to attend weddings and a few mini trips out for errands. I don’t mind having babies with us when we’re out. Definitely much harder, but I don’t mind it. I spend enough time with the hubby at night before bed. I force him to spend time with us on his precious weekends off. I think I have enough of him for now. I think we’re doing okay. For now. I feel like I’m finally filling into my role as a parent. I think we’ve gotten a little bit of a (very loosely stated) routine down in regards to our schedules. I’m finally in a bit of a better mental state. I think I’m at an age where I’m finally owning up to what I want to do versus what I need to be doing.

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Marriage

American Housewife

Hubby and I have been attempting to do devotions before bed every night to regroup and recharge our spiritual walk together. It has definitely been difficult, especially on nights when we’re both exhausted from long days. We’re attempting the “Refresh Your Marriage in 31 Days” plan from the Bible app.

Last night’s devotions stuck with me a little bit.
“In the beginning of marriage, a partner can do no wrong. If he comes home too late for dinner, she thinks: “Poor guy, I’m sure he’s stuck in traffic” or “I’m sure he has to work longer. Mean boss!”. When he finally comes home, she falls into his arms longingly, no matter how late it is. But after a few years of marriage, a different wind blows. She gets annoyed because the roast has become cold again or because the children are hungry and are having a sword fight using their forks. “He could have at least called. He is always only thinking of himself!”

The funny thing is the accompanying verse to this devotional was:
Ecclesiastes 9:9
“Live happily with the woman you love through all the meaningless days of life that God has given you under the sun. The wife God gives you is your reward for all your earthly toll.”

I laughed a little when I told my hubby that I was his reward for all his earthly tolls. I don’t think he ever thought his reward would come with such a nagging soul and such severe mood swings. I think I forget sometimes that he works so hard at his job all day and has our best interests at heart. In the chaos of prying babies off each other, feeling useless at home, and being jealous of him for being out all day, I forget that he is the man of the house and that he takes care of us. Though he has difficulty changing poopy diapers and putting the babies to sleep, he does provide. He does worry. I think in moments of frustrations and anger, I just need to remind myself that I expect a lot of others, especially those who are close to me, and that I need to remember that I am strong and can get through things by myself, too. I feel like sometimes I rely or expect the help from others too much and I contribute a little more to the feeling of being helpless and useless in doing so. I just need to remember that I am strong and if my hubby can go out and work hard for us every day, I can work hard and tend to the house and babies every day as well. I feel like I’m definitely setting myself up to be a housewife from the twenties, but I think it’s just the place I am in my life right now. I just need to accept being home and taking care of babies for a while. Maybe this is what God has planned for me right now. Maybe this is the path I need to be on for a little while before I am able to focus on myself and further my plans. Maybe He’s reminding me that His plans supersede whatever plans I have for myself, and this is my path of getting back on track to His plan for me. Either way, I am praying for patience and guidance. I am praying that in moments of rage and frustrations, I am reminded of the love and grace that I am surrounded with.

I want to be the reward. I want to be worthy to be called a reward.

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