Thus Begins The Descent

I feel like I’m going crazy. Let’s be real. I am going crazy.

Blame it on the lack of sleep. Blame it on the kids. Blame it on the lack of adult communication. But I don’t think I’m okay. I don’t know if I ever was okay. Not only am I in a constant crisis of searching for an identity, I am actually not sure if I ever had one. As I delve deeper into this social psychology class, I don’t even know if I identify with a group which apparently is super important in evolving as a person.

I had yet another melt down today. Except this time I actually thought about running away. Seriously. I thought about packing a bag and going to the gym for a few hours to clear my head since running away to Bora Bora wasn’t an option. I’m just so sick and tired of repeating my days and my words over and over and over again to these kids. It’s as if they’re falling on deaf ears. And, before you say it, I know. I know this is what being a parent is all about. Tolerating them through their mistakes and growing pains until they get it right. But that feels like it’ll happen in five billion light years. I’m tired of being on-call every single minute, every single second of every day. Seriously.

You turn around for one second and Dom has his hands on scissors. You turn around to handle that and Shane has taken off his pants and diaper. You turn around to take care of that issue and Dom has gotten a hold of a car track and chasing Donte around the living room trying to hit him over the head. You handle that and Shane has climbed a chair to try to get to the leftover Goldfish and smoothie on the table. You get him off safely and Dom is now climbing the hubby’s computer chair and pounding away on the keys. I’m just really, really, really tired. Tired of life. Tired of existing solely to have eyes on two danger-loving toddlers who seem to love going diaper-less but are not yet potty trained. All day. From the second their little eyes open to the very long hours their little bodies finally fall asleep.

I’m just tired of answering the same questions from my parents about the kids and life. I’m tired of justifying every aspect of my life to my parents. I’m tired of saying “I’m okay” when I’m really not only because there’s nothing anybody can really do to help. I’m tired of constantly feeling like I’m failing at life. I’m tired of feeling like I’m just wasting everyone’s time and energy in existing when I fail as a mother, wife, and daughter. Every few days or so, I end up going to a really dark place which has been taking me longer and longer to get out of. But during those good few days, they’re great. They remind me why I love where I am. They remind me that these moments too shall pass. They remind me that if I can just get through those dark patches, I will come back and continue fighting through the obscurity that is this stage of life.

But I guess for now I’ll just keep praying that He gives me the strength to make it through these

Christmas Cheer for All

Dog has been misbehaving the past few days and pooping all over the living room. Literally. It has been awful. If I’m not cleaning Shane up, I’m feeding him. When I’m not feeding him, I’m napping. If I’m not napping, I’ve been cleaning Cody’s poop. If I’m not cleaning Cody’s poop, I’m entertaining Donte. When I’m not doing any of that, I’m trying to find the time to shovel food into my mouth. I’ve been lacking on sleep within the last few weeks so I’ve been sleeping through my alarms. Shane’s been getting fed at 1a or 2a when I am about to go to sleep then again at 6a or 7a when I wake up. It’s awful because I feel like he’s been crying at night and I sleep right through them! With all his appointments, his feeding times have also been all over the place. He’s normally supposed to eat 7-8 times a day, but it’s more like 5-6 times. I feel like an awful mother. He hasn’t been gaining the weight he needs and they’re thinking about putting him on a higher caloric diet. I also haven’t found much time to pump so I haven’t pumped much. I pumped once yesterday and I believe twice the day before. Not pumping. Not sticking to my schedule with Shane. I feel awful. On top of that, the household chores are slacking. Dishes have been in the sink for two days now. The clean laundry is in a container waiting to get folded and we have yet another container of laundry waiting to be washed. House hasn’t been vacuumed in about a week; hasn’t been swiffered within a few days. I just feel run down and tired. I don’t even know how people can help.