Something’s gotta give

Scheduler. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Student. Friend. Me.

Something’s gotta give.

I can’t. I can’t be everywhere and be there for everyone. I can’t be who I need to be for everyone. I can’t. I suppose the concrete identities I have to keep are the roles of mother, wife, and daughter. I suppose I could give up being a student and scheduler. Giving up being a scheduler isn’t so awful although keeping it could help bring a little money in. Giving up being a student is a bit more difficult since being a student propels me towards a path I would like to take to find out who I am, but I suppose that’s also something I can do later down the road as well.

I used to pity those mothers who put their entire lives on hold for years and years all for the sake of their children. Like they don’t have lives. Like their entire lives are their children. And all that pressure just amasses into something huge which could snowball into some serious resentment in the future. But lo and behold – I have become one of those pitiful people. Not that they are really pitiful; it’s actually quite a powerful and brave thing to do. To step up for the family. To become something they needed rather than who and what she wanted to become or was or is.

But I don’t think I’m that strong. I don’t think I can handle abandoning or shelving who I am for my family. Am I? Should I be? Could I be?

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Why are the nights so short?

The days seem never-ending and the nights seem so fleeting. I think I watched 2.5 episodes of Rizzoli and Isles, did some work, took out some trash, and did some Sudoku.

What I really meant to do was.. watch an episode or two or Rizzoli and Isles, do some yoga or read a book, do devotions, and go to sleep early.

But here I am. 1220am. Letting Hulu lapse into the next episode of Rizzoli and Isles while mini-ranting on WordPress. Head muddled with way too much murkiness of my life. Living with family is always nice. We used to always live with family. We had a.. posse, if you will. We had a neighborhood we could fall back on. A community related by blood. But with our independence and our need to prove ourselves and find ourselves, family seems to be just a hindrance. How can we find out who we truly are and what we are capable of when we are constantly reminded of our past? Especially if that past does not hold the fondest of memories. Not the worst, just.. not the fondest.

Am I destined to repeat my parents’ lives? I would really rather not. But how can I break away from it when I am constantly immersed in it?

We really need to move out on our own.

1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you.” 

Give it all to Him. He can take it. He knows where He wants you and He will lead you. There is no use in fretting over the little things of the world when He takes care of all. He takes care of the smallest creatures of this land. How can I have such a difficult time putting my trust in Him? Why do I fret and worry over the littlest things? Why do I allow myself to feel such anger and frustration over such trivial matters? My brain knows to not allow myself to be so easily frustrated. But my heart and emotions just sky rocket so easily. I really need time to myself. To reflect. To find myself. To really.. just be.

Carving out time to myself to fill myself up with His Word is really difficult with Hulu and Netflix. I keep telling myself that I will begin serious devotions and reflection tomorrow, but every evening it seems that after an episode or two of Rizzoli and Isles, it’s 1130pm and time for bed. Maybe tomorrow.. maybe tomorrow.

Be All You Can Be

All I can be is…. one thing. One persona. I can’t be a great parent, a great wife, and a great daughter. I can be maybe one great and mediocre other and a failure at the last. Some days, I’m a great daughter, a mediocre parent, and a failure of a wife. Others, I’m a great wife, mediocre parent, and a failure of a daughter.

Living with parents just makes things that much harder. Not only do you have to take into account your kids’ lives – keeping them alive, making sure they’re happy, making sure you’re not ruining them from life – and make sure your relationship with your husband is on not-resenting-each-other-still-loving-each-other-terms, you have to take into consideration your parents’ lives. Their emotions. Their decisions. Their relationships with you. Their relationships with your kids. Then on top of that, you have your friendships you have to try to keep track of. You have school work. You have work work. You have your futures to think about. You have to worry about everything and everybody at the same time all the time.

My head is about to explode. I can’t get a minute alone to myself. Even when I do get a minute to myself, my mind is always there. Always worrying, always thinking, always on edge. I’m just so tired. So stressed. It’s become my norm. Tired and stressed. Maybe this is why people just trudge on with their lives after marriage and kids. Just existing. There just isn’t much room for yourself in your mind.

Better Days

Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days.

Fitbit says I slept 4.45 hours, but I felt refreshed..-ish. We woke up a little later than normal and had the house to ourselves this morning. I wrote bills. I put said bills in the outgoing mailbox. I was able to spend some alone time with Shane reading some books with him. I was able to do take care of some work. Dinner went relatively smoothly with the help of the hubs. Bath. Bedtime went relatively quickly due to their awfully short nap this afternoon. I was able to get some last minute work done prior to 9pm. Thinking about heading out to Giant to make a tapioca pudding run.. but perhaps I’ll forgo that and polish off this half-drunken, day-old bubble tea just binge Rizzoli and Isles on Hulu.

It’s only 912pm! The limits of what I can do are endless! Until the youngest baby wakes up. In about an hour probably. So I will make a run to Giant to get tapioca pudding so I can binge on both snacks and Hulu after I finish my work report.

#wfhmlife #sahmlife

I’ll do better tomorrow

That’s forever my motto – I’ll do better tomorrow.

I’ll do better making dinner a little healthier tomorrow. I’ll do better actually making dinner. I’ll do better in not losing my temper with the kids tomorrow. I’ll do better being more patient with my family. I’ll be a better wife. I’ll be a better mother. I’ll be a better person.
Tomorrow.
Forever tomorrow.

When is this “tomorrow” I keep telling myself all these things will happen? Maybe it’s just something I just have to keep striving towards. Maybe this “tomorrow” is just a dream I should keep reaching for.

Speechless

I think I’m spiraling. There is too much on my mind and not enough coming out, verbally I mean. I’m overwhelmed, past my breaking point, and spiraling down a dark hole with no end in sight. Hubby doesn’t have a day off until Sunday. Parents are a little useless no matter how helpful their intentions. I’m just so tired. Still recovering from sickness. Just so tired. I’ve been running on empty for the past few weeks.. let’s be real, it’s been more the past year. I’m just so…. done. There’s nothing I look forward to. There’s nothing I really get excited for either. I think everything has become a to-do item on my checklist. Isn’t that sad? Wasn’t there a time where I was excited to do something? I can’t even remember. I feel like I’ve been down here in the trenches for so long and there’s no end in sight. Well, there is, but it’s about 4 years away and every day is a battle I seem to be losing.