family, Marriage, motherhood, parenthood

Be All You Can Be

All I can be is…. one thing. One persona. I can’t be a great parent, a great wife, and a great daughter. I can be maybe one great and mediocre other and a failure at the last. Some days, I’m a great daughter, a mediocre parent, and a failure of a wife. Others, I’m a great wife, mediocre parent, and a failure of a daughter.

Living with parents just makes things that much harder. Not only do you have to take into account your kids’ lives – keeping them alive, making sure they’re happy, making sure you’re not ruining them from life – and make sure your relationship with your husband is on not-resenting-each-other-still-loving-each-other-terms, you have to take into consideration your parents’ lives. Their emotions. Their decisions. Their relationships with you. Their relationships with your kids. Then on top of that, you have your friendships you have to try to keep track of. You have school work. You have work work. You have your futures to think about. You have to worry about everything and everybody at the same time all the time.

My head is about to explode. I can’t get a minute alone to myself. Even when I do get a minute to myself, my mind is always there. Always worrying, always thinking, always on edge. I’m just so tired. So stressed. It’s become my norm. Tired and stressed. Maybe this is why people just trudge on with their lives after marriage and kids. Just existing. There just isn’t much room for yourself in your mind.

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motherhood, parenthood

Better Days

Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days.

Fitbit says I slept 4.45 hours, but I felt refreshed..-ish. We woke up a little later than normal and had the house to ourselves this morning. I wrote bills. I put said bills in the outgoing mailbox. I was able to spend some alone time with Shane reading some books with him. I was able to do take care of some work. Dinner went relatively smoothly with the help of the hubs. Bath. Bedtime went relatively quickly due to their awfully short nap this afternoon. I was able to get some last minute work done prior to 9pm. Thinking about heading out to Giant to make a tapioca pudding run.. but perhaps I’ll forgo that and polish off this half-drunken, day-old bubble tea just binge Rizzoli and Isles on Hulu.

It’s only 912pm! The limits of what I can do are endless! Until the youngest baby wakes up. In about an hour probably. So I will make a run to Giant to get tapioca pudding so I can binge on both snacks and Hulu after I finish my work report.

#wfhmlife #sahmlife

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Marriage

I’ll do better tomorrow

That’s forever my motto – I’ll do better tomorrow.

I’ll do better making dinner a little healthier tomorrow. I’ll do better actually making dinner. I’ll do better in not losing my temper with the kids tomorrow. I’ll do better being more patient with my family. I’ll be a better wife. I’ll be a better mother. I’ll be a better person.
Tomorrow.
Forever tomorrow.

When is this “tomorrow” I keep telling myself all these things will happen? Maybe it’s just something I just have to keep striving towards. Maybe this “tomorrow” is just a dream I should keep reaching for.

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motherhood, parenthood

Speechless

I think I’m spiraling. There is too much on my mind and not enough coming out, verbally I mean. I’m overwhelmed, past my breaking point, and spiraling down a dark hole with no end in sight. Hubby doesn’t have a day off until Sunday. Parents are a little useless no matter how helpful their intentions. I’m just so tired. Still recovering from sickness. Just so tired. I’ve been running on empty for the past few weeks.. let’s be real, it’s been more the past year. I’m just so…. done. There’s nothing I look forward to. There’s nothing I really get excited for either. I think everything has become a to-do item on my checklist. Isn’t that sad? Wasn’t there a time where I was excited to do something? I can’t even remember. I feel like I’ve been down here in the trenches for so long and there’s no end in sight. Well, there is, but it’s about 4 years away and every day is a battle I seem to be losing.

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Marriage

Bad Decisions

I am literally making bad decisions every night. Rather than buckling down and reading these library books, I’m sitting here watching Elementary and doing some Sudoku. I should be.. packing lunch, meal planning, reading library books or any books in general, sleeping or at least winding down to nap before baby wakes up, making a schedule, life planning, etc, etc..

I wish I had better self-control. And self-discipline. I guess I’ll just add that to the to-do list for this month.

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Marriage

Mid-afternoon bubble tea thoughts 

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how the hubs needs to take a step up and take more responsibilities around the house and with the kids. But maybe I’m the one who needs to take a step forward and do more. Instead of wishing he could spend more time with us, maybe I should try to make sure kids don’t forget his existence and actually anticipate his daily evening return.  Instead of wishing he set aside more time for us time, maybe I should take that time to spend working on my relationship with Him. Instead of demanding him to help everyday, maybe I should.. no. I’m going to keep demanding he help out everyday for dinner since it’s literally the only time of each day we can spend as a family even if half the time it’s watching Dominic and making sure he’s limiting his mess to his table area. Sorry, babe. Maybe I’ve been expecting too much of others when I’ve been slacking in the expectations I have for myself. I can do better. 

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family, motherhood, parenthood

Fickle, My Heart

The songs I loved yesterday no longer bring me that same spark of excitement.

I wonder why my mood changes so drastically. I could blame it on the hormones. I could blame it on the exhaustion. I could blame it on the kids. I could blame it on the stress of living with my parents. I could even blame it on the overwhelming amount of stimuli I am surrounded by on a daily basis.

But I think there may be something a tad bit unbalanced within me. It’s the same imbalance that takes me to the highest of elation tops but also drags me down to the darkest of those murky depths.

Or it’s the dehydration from all the coffee I’ve been chugging.
Who knows?
All I know is that I feel a little off.
And I may have been feeling a bit off for a little while now and I keep thinking it’ll get back to normal.. until I realize I don’t recognize what my “normal” is anymore.
Hashtag “MomLife”?
Hashtag “WhatIsMyNormal”
Hashtag “WTFAmIDoingWithMyself”

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