So… Dom has been peacefully napping for 2 hours. I’ve been able to catch up on some researching for parents’ last minute trip. I’ve been able to do some finances. Knock on wood, but maybe he’ll nap for a little longer until we head up to bed!
Fingers crossed!
Could this be the dawn of a new era?
“so call it quits or get a grip”
I’m sitting here in the dimly lit living room with my Spotify mix of emo throwbacks trying to sort through my thoughts and the million things on my to-do list. It’s been a trying week. Hell, let’s be real. It’s been a trying year. As soon as I think I’m doing better, I have a meltdown. When I think I have a grip on myself, I get hit with a huge dark spell.
I’m trying.
I’m really trying to give up control.
Nothing is in my control at this point in time.
Everything is out of control.
Spinning, swirling, crashing out of control.
And I’m really trying.
I think sometimes I just implode. Which is silly since I don’t really hold things in much anymore. But I’ve had years and years of practice. I’m not quite sure why I’m not able to put that whole “smush it down until it implodes” method to use again. Maybe because I’ve become a bit more self aware and realize that it’s a ridiculously toxic way of handling situations. Maybe because it was actually extremely detrimental to my well-being.
I wish I was a more stable person for the people around me.
New Year resolutions never work for me. I just can’t seem to find the motivation most days to do much of anything aside from the necessities of keeping everyone alive and fed. There’s nothing I look forward to very much. I’m just.. surviving. I’m not even “living”. I’m just.. going through the motions.
First breakdown I’ve had in the past few weeks / months. I don’t even know. All the days and weeks and months end up blending in together. It’s been a while though since I’ve cried like this though. I’m not sure what’s been going on this week. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe it was the pre-menstrual exhaustion haze. Maybe I’m just hormonal. Maybe it’s the babies’ weird sleep regressions.
Dom just kept crying and crying and crying. It was supposed to be sleep time, but the babies were just running around and around and around. I kept trying to change their diapers, but they kept running around thinking that it was a game so the farthest I could get was taking their pants off. Have you ever been hit every other minute, screamed at hours on end, and all around just never alone with two little humans hanging off of you? It’s exhausting. They’re pulling at you. They’re clawing at you. They’re hitting on you. Literally. Every single minute of every single day. Unless it’s the 3-3 hour intervals Dom is able to nap. I’ve been going back and forth from their room and ours all night/morning. I’m just exhausted.
Hubby’s doing some change ups in his team so he’s been incredibly busy with that after work this week. He’s literally done nothing with us all week. Gone pretty much straight to the computer after work every day. I feel like most days we’re not partners, but we’re more roommates or he’s a sugar daddy. I feel like some days he should take the initiative and do things rather than me nagging and nagging and nagging forever at him. Why do I need to treat him like a child when he’s supposed to be my peer and navigating these uncharted waters with him? There are days where he is super helpful, but most of those are clouded by the extreme frustration and uselessness I feel from him.
I came to a revelation that though I may be stupid upset and frustrated at my life right now, they do not deserve my frustration. They do not deserve to be the butt of my frustration. They don’t know any better. I do. I need to do better to keep myself in check so they see the better side of me. They know the better side of me. I need to keep myself in check. Sigh.. I really need to give them my all. I really do need to let them take all of me and I need to find a way to replenish myself on my own. I can’t expect hubby to do that for me. And I can’t expect anyone else to do that for me.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Hubby surprised us with a bouquet of delicious fruit from Edible Arrangements yesterday. It was definitely a most wonderful, unexpected little gift.
The days are long, but the nights are even longer. The babies have been on a weird sleep schedule with Dom being transitioned into Shane’s room and Shane developing a serious case of FOMO and regressing. I’m just walking through a haze of exhaustion and frustrations. I do find moments of happiness and light when babies are sleeping or babies are playing, but Shane’s tantrums are beginning to seriously take their tolls on me. His incessant whining and fake crying at a tone that makes me want to throw my head into a wall combined with Dom being his normal clingy very demanding self, life has just been.. tough lately.
I was talking with our therapist today and they recommended going out to the community group for the program we’re in. “It’s just tough with the two kids,” I said, hesitantly. It’s always difficult whether it be with the two or one. It’s always tough. I really shouldn’t be using the fact that I have two kids to hide from the world and stay in my little comfort bubble. Of course I’d rather be at home watching NCIS or public television or Octonauts with the kids in my pajamas and not have to lug around a backpack of everything. I’d rather keep an eye on them in the small space that is the living room where I know every sound of what they’re getting into and we have the beds right upstairs so they are familiar with their next routines instead of fighting them into their car seats when they’re already exhausted and tired. Part of me knows that going out would help me and the babies have a bit more excitement in our lives, but the other part of me just doesn’t want to deal with it. I do feel like Shane needs to be more social and have more interaction with kids his age so he’s able to absorb more things that are age-appropriate rather than hang out with his younger brother all day. Perhaps I’ll try to make it a point to actually go out to these events in this Facebook group I found myself in.
Life is hard. For everyone. But sometimes I make myself out to be a huge victim and think my life is super hard when, in reality, it’s going pretty smoothly. I need to take charge of my feelings, my thoughts, and my life again.
I absolutely am not in charge of my life. I have no control.
My whole day revolves around the babies’ schedules; when they sleep, when they wake up, when they eat. My meals are when they nap or when they are preoccupied with their own meals which means I’m essentially munching on Cheez-its while I feed Dominic yogurt or, on a really bad day, while I watch Dominic fling yogurt literally all around the living room.
Today was a really good day, until the end. By 8pm, I’m just so pooped. After their post-dinner baths, I normally let them run around until they get super tired. Then I leave Shane in his room to sleep and nurse Dominic to sleep. BUT these little boogers have been getting up earlier and earlier recently and their sleep schedules have been all off. We’ve been up since 8am today, 7am the day before, and 5am the day before that. Lack of sleep is never a good thing for me. I would spill all secrets if sleep deprivation was ever used on me. I went on a solo Giant run during their first one-hour afternoon nap, which was divine. I made some dinner during their long ass 2-3 hour late afternoon nap. By the time their dinner was over with and their bath was complete, I was wiped. Hubby took an early day from work since he wasn’t feeling too well. I wanted him to rest, I did. But honestly with two spawns of demons running around, I wanted all the extra help I could get. I tried to let him relax today so he could rest up and rest his body from fighting off something weird. But I just get so frustrated so obviously I kept asking him to help. From morning to night, I’m on. I’m constantly on. Even when I’m closing my eyes, I’m listening to the babies. Even if the TV is on and I’m trying to watch a show, I’m watching the babies. When they’re napping and quiet and I’m able to make a few calls for work, I’m still listening in the quiet. When I’m doing dishes, I have my eyes on them. I’m always watching, always worrying, always freaking out about what they’re getting into next. I’m just so tired. I don’t think I want a full day of being sans babies. I just want a partner who will weather this storm with me. Someone who will help when both are running around like two chickens with their heads cut off. Someone who will play peek-a-boo or sing the itsy bitsy spider song for the millionth time in a row. Someone who will dance to every single Little People song and every single Octonauts song. I just want someone to help me discipline these kids in a manner that encourages their independence but also sets boundaries for them. I just lose my mind after the 10th time of telling the kids the same things over and over again. I try to explain why I get so upset and burst out in anger because I’m frustrated that they’re still tipping over the floor lamp for the umpteenth time even though they know they’re not supposed to because they can seriously get hurt and that I’m freaking out because we’ve already gone through a burn on Dominic’s hand due to this same issue, but I feel like it doesn’t have the same effect on a toddler as it does a rational adult. They seem like complete assholes because they know what they’re doing is wrong, yet they do it anyway. Probably just to get a reaction out of me. When did these little babies become such assholes? I’m sure hubby wants someone who won’t nag him so much about doing more and more things around the house. Someone who won’t ask him to do so many things before bedtime. Someone who always has meals ready for him when he’s ready to eat. Someone who is more independent and doesn’t rely on him or need him for anything. Someone who is a trooper and doesn’t complain so much about every single thing. Someone who doesn’t have so many qualms about his game playing. I’m sure there are things we both would like the other to compromise to.
But some days, I feel so low on my hubby’s to-do list. I know he’s making an effort. I know he’s trying his hardest, but it doesn’t feel enough most times. Maybe it’s my insanely high expectations for him. Maybe it’s just because I’m unhappy being home all the time. I feel like when I was working, I was making some sort of an impact on the world or a company. Here, I know I’m “shaping minds and people”, but seriously.. I’m literally just checking diapers, making sure these kids don’t get into anything dangerous, and catering to their every single demand. This is the worst job. Long hours, awful pay, horribly demanding bosses. It’s dirty. It’s emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. It changes you in ways you never thought you could become. But I guess it’s not all bad.. you do get a best friend for life, in my case, two! You have little minions from the ages of when they’re potty trained and wanting to please you-whenever they’re old enough to realize they can defy you since they’re their own little being and “you’re not the boss of their life”. Plus their little giggles and cuddles are forever adorable and fill your heart with so much love you might literally explode.
Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning out of control.
But then I go and cuddle a baby and I feel a little better.
I just get so tired of blowing up at the hubby and being tired and feeling crappy for blowing up at the hubby and being unhappy and feeling trapped and being tired. Maybe it’ll all blow over soon and I’ll go back to being a relatively rational person. When Dominic is sleeping in his own bed and I can sleep for an 8 hour stretch without being disturbed. So….. in about…. never.
I just gave into my urge to be petty last night and it did not make me feel good. I was pissed at the hubby for not listening to me and telling him the same things over and over again to no avail. So he slept on the couch last night. I did not feel better. I actually felt worse. I jeopardized his well being and comfort over the stupid anger I let wash over me. I should stand up and be the bigger person. I think I will not be taking this route again any time soon. I just feel too guilty and too stupid afterwards. It’s like that stupid one night stand you succumb to thinking it’s a decent idea, but realize in the morning was a terrible mistake and you regret everything.
I’m just so tired. I really need to eat better and start exercising to get myself out of this slump. I’m just so.. overstimulated and constantly bombarded with things every hour of the day from when the babies wake up to when the babies go to sleep. I just want a partner to share in this chaos.
