Take It All With My Love

First breakdown I’ve had in the past few weeks / months. I don’t even know. All the days and weeks and months end up blending in together. It’s been a while though since I’ve cried like this though. I’m not sure what’s been going on this week. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe it was the pre-menstrual exhaustion haze. Maybe I’m just hormonal. Maybe it’s the babies’ weird sleep regressions.

Dom just kept crying and crying and crying. It was supposed to be sleep time, but the babies were just running around and around and around. I kept trying to change their diapers, but they kept running around thinking that it was a game so the farthest I could get was taking their pants off. Have you ever been hit every other minute, screamed at hours on end, and all around just never alone with two little humans hanging off of you? It’s exhausting. They’re pulling at you. They’re clawing at you. They’re hitting on you. Literally. Every single minute of every single day. Unless it’s the 3-3 hour intervals Dom is able to nap. I’ve been going back and forth from their room and ours all night/morning. I’m just exhausted.

Hubby’s doing some change ups in his team so he’s been incredibly busy with that after work this week. He’s literally done nothing with us all week. Gone pretty much straight to the computer after work every day. I feel like most days we’re not partners, but we’re more roommates or he’s a sugar daddy. I feel like some days he should take the initiative and do things rather than me nagging and nagging and nagging forever at him. Why do I need to treat him like a child when he’s supposed to be my peer and navigating these uncharted waters with him? There are days where he is super helpful, but most of those are clouded by the extreme frustration and uselessness I feel from him.

I came to a revelation that though I may be stupid upset and frustrated at my life right now, they do not deserve my frustration. They do not deserve to be the butt of my frustration. They don’t know any better. I do. I need to do better to keep myself in check so they see the better side of me. They know the better side of me. I need to keep myself in check. Sigh.. I really need to give them my all. I really do need to let them take all of me and I need to find a way to replenish myself on my own. I can’t expect hubby to do that for me. And I can’t expect anyone else to do that for me.


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