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I don’t smile like I used to

I find that the only times I actually smile big are at my babies. I don’t even smile big much for my parents or the hubby. I find it difficult to smile at things nowadays. Chalk it up to depression. Blame it on being cooped up at home most days. But I don’t smile like I used to. I used to be a pretty happy person. Now, between being riddled with financial worries, watching babies every single second of every day, battling myself in the search for myself, life has gotten very difficult. I find myself blowing up at people, mainly my hubby, over the littlest things; sometimes not even things.

Today, I yelled at the hubby for not helping me change a diaper. As if he should’ve known that that was going to happen and he should’ve been right there to help me. As if he didn’t have a bad day at work and is just trying to de-stress from his difficult day as well. I expect so much from him sometimes. It’s totally unfair to him. At the same time, totally fair. Parenthood doesn’t have a pause button. It just goes on. Parenthood just gets a little lonely when you feel like you’re in it alone. I just want to feel like I have a partner in this. A “Can I help you with that?” or a “Lemme do that” would make a world’s difference. I just want to feel like I’m doing okay and that the entire burden of this household rests on me. I haven’t been baby-free in a very long time. As much as I love being with the babies, I just want a little bit to myself. Stealing minutes away in my room while the babies are sleeping next to me don’t really count as getting away since my mind is still on them all the time. I just want to leave them with capable people and not worry about them for maybe like a few hours. Capable people. Seriously. With baby Dom, it’s a tall order.

I just want to smile again. Maybe that will come later when my life seems to be a little less dampened with darkness.

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