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I love cheap thrills

There is just something about spending the day out and using either very little money or no money at all that is a little orgasmic. I definitely understand extreme couponers. The thrill of not having to pay more than what is stated. It’s a cheap thrill.

I love being out of the house, but sometimes I get so drained lugging the kids around. I get both recharged and drained getting out of the house. I’m sure it’ll get easier. When the kids are able to walk on their own and when they can communicate clearly on what they want. Right now, Shane still communicates with yells and grunts. He’s regressing so he wants to be picked up and held a lot as he sees his baby brother getting the privilege to. He never wanted to be held until he saw his baby brother being held. It’s difficult trying to reign in a squirmy 7 month old and a regressing 19 month old.

It’s hard. It’s so hard. But it’s nothing mothers haven’t done before. People have done this for ages. They’ve lugged around their kids. They’ve tended to their children’s needs without going insane – some anyway. They’ve done this for eons. So what position am I to be complaining? I only have two kids – two kids with a whole year in between. There are those who lead much more challenging lives. Multiples, miscarriages, divorces, deaths, long distance relationships, being laid off, no car, no heat, no money, no roof over heads, no clothes, no shoes, no support system.

I have all those. I have a wonderful husband who I don’t give enough credit to due to my hormonal anger bursts and frustrated emotions of a pent-up stay at home mom of two babies under two. He works so hard to provide for us – to make sure we have enough to pay the bills. I know he has bad days at work sometimes, but he never, ever takes it out on us. He is a much better person than I. We have a roof over our heads – given it’s not particularly our roof. We always have food on our tables. We have electricity, heat, AC, and internet. We have smart phones and laptops. We have computers and tablets. We have all necessary toiletries. We have enough left over for extra outfits clothes. We have enough for indulgences of the world – snacks, coffee, meals out. So who am I to complain?

I think I need to stop thinking to myself “This is so hard”, and repeat to myself “I can do this”. I can do this. I can. I can do all of this and more. I can go back to school and stretch myself thin trying to be a stay at home mom, student, daughter, CFO and CEO of the household, and wife. But do I want to? Do I want to stretch myself to be all I can be? Or will I be content in just being a stay at home mom? Will I resent myself in the future? Will I be content? I’m not sure about anything, but I can say that I am pretty happy where I am now. I always wish I could be doing more, but for the moment I think I’m pretty content with where and who I am now.

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