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Guilty

So our dog is acting up. I’ve been switching his feed times from anywhere between 12pm – 4pm and I think he’s not doing the best dealing with the changes. He’s been having accidents in the house; peeing and pooping. He’s been nervous around other people again and he’s been antsy. I haven’t been taking him out as often as we used to. We take him out in the morning, after his lunch, and after his dinner meals; 6a, 3p, and around 11p. Recently, we’ve been working around home health visits, doctor appointments, and other such activities. Baby Shane’s feeding times have been all over the place. Baby Cody’s feeds and walks have been all over the place. Baby Donte was without food for a full day because we didn’t have time to get to the pet store and get his dry food. I know I should be getting back to the basics and put together a routine for all the babies, but it’s so difficult. I set a routine and I don’t wake up on time and throw off the entire day. Sometimes I’m just exhausted. Sometimes the babies start spitting up, chasing squirrels, refuse to go to the bathroom, are feeling lazy, or being just plain butt-facey. Even with the dog having accidents everywhere, I feel like a failure. I know it’s my fault. Ultimately, I’m the one who is responsible for them. I should be the one who takes care of them, makes sure that things like this doesn’t happen. I feel like a failure when my baby cries because of a soiled diaper or because he’s just fussy and wants to be held. I feel like a failure when my cat is rubbing up all over me because he feels neglected and ignored. I feel like a failure when the dog is chasing the cat because he isn’t getting enough stimulation and feels cooped up at home with all his pent up adolescent energy. I feel like a failure because I feel like I have to stay home and make sure Shane attends to all his doctor’s appointments and is getting enough stimulation for developmental growth. I feel like I can’t continue school because I have a 2.0 GPA and I am being forced to step out of the program until I can raise it back up to a 2.5. I feel like a failure as a wife because I’m not making money and not contributing financially. I can’t cook too well. I can’t clean very well. I’m a procrastinator. I’m exhausted all the time. I feel like I’m a failure for feeling like a failure. I know I can’t juggle everything, but I can’t help feeling like I should. Are my standards too high for myself or am I just feeling everything others feel? Either way, I’m guilty of being a failure. At everything.

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